Binary Switch
by Thorntons
Summary: A collaboration between Thorntons and FiascoWay, this lighthearted piece picks up the action from the conclusion to Pipe Dreams. Lisbon and Jane have fallen back into old habits and the possibility of a more romantic entanglement seems increasingly remote. With Marcus Pike out of the picture for good, what's a red blooded woman to do?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 - One door closes, another one opens**

 _ **A/N: Hi there, FiascoWay here. No I'm not lost; this story is a collaboration between myself and Thorntons. Binary Switch has its origins in a short story she shared with me some months ago. I was so excited by the possibilities that I all but begged to be given the chance to contribute and flesh it out into a more lengthy piece. What you see is the final product, a hopefully amusing Mentalist romp in five chapters. In terms of Thornton's works this can be considered a loose sequel to Pipe Dreams.**_

 _ **This collaboration was undertaken in the true sense of that word. Instead of alternating writing chapters as seems the common practice, we decided to collaborate closely on each one. After numerous edits and changes, the writing is intertwined to the point it's hard for me to recall who did what.**_

 _ **What is certain is the concept and plot of the story belong to Thorntons and I've just done my best to adorn some of the details. While working on Binary Switch I was overwhelmed by my collaborator's generosity of spirit. It must be hard to allow someone else to tinker with your creation but (at least from my point of view) we managed to work together in complete harmony.**_

 _ **In reading this story I hope you're as open minded as Thorntons was to my ideas. We neither of us are the strictest adherers to canon but we definitely write from a place of love when it comes to our favourite characters. I've rambled on enough, please enjoy.**_

 _ *****WARNING*** A few reviewers suggested this story needs a warning. This story makes reference to lesbian relationships and lesbian sex (non explicit). If this upsets you please don't read further.**_

It all started with a cat and an ordinary ginger one at that; Felix had been found at a crime scene a little worse for wear, his owner having expired under mysterious circumstances. With no immediate neighbours, and Felix not being the sort of cat used to roughing it, pickings had been sparse for the pampered puss. So it wasn't surprising that he attached himself to the first person who gave him any attention.

Always a sucker for a lost cause, Lisbon found herself being followed from room to room as they checked out the crime scene. Tripping over it she shouted out irritably, "Can someone do something with the damned cat!"

Jane appeared from nowhere, and bent down. "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty."

Kitty regarded Jane like he was a week old sardine. He arched his back and rubbed against Lisbon's legs, eliciting a chuckle from the snubbed consultant. "Sorry Lisbon, cats pick their owners and this one's picked you."

Lisbon huffed, and picked the cat up to check the name tag. "Umm, Felix. Well I suppose we can't leave you here and it's too late to get you to the animal shelter. Let's see if anyone can put you up for the night."

Everyone had an excuse. Allergies, no pets allowed, too many pets already... Cho claimed cats gave him the heebie-jeebies. Hours later when Jane and Lisbon wrapped up their business, the cat was still firmly attached to Lisbon. With a long suffering sigh she bowed to the inevitable.

As Lisbon drove home she glared belligerently at the cat basket in the passenger seat. She wasn't exactly in the mood to form a new attachment, especially as the one she'd been hoping for had fallen at the first hurdle. Despite their rapprochement, Jane and Lisbon had fallen back into their old ways, their deep friendship had failed to translate into anything more meaningful.

Although they were as comfortable with each other as two people possibly could be, Jane had shown no inclination to pursue a more physical relationship. It wasn't as if they hadn't tried, the odd fumble and chaste kiss had felt plain awkward, and for all their good intentions they still hadn't progressed past first base.

An exploratory weekend getaway pretty much confirmed that they were going nowhere fast. Despite Lisbon's best efforts at seduction, nothing happened that would have been out of place in a Victorian novel. Even when she draped herself alluringly over the pillow, impressive décolletage displayed to best advantage, Jane just looked on apologetically.

He wasn't immune to her charms on an aesthetic level, he just lacked the wherewithal to act on it. Lisbon knew the moment was lost when Jane toddled towards bed carrying a cup of tea, his pyjamas primly buttoned up to the neck. It didn't take a genius to work out a night of passion wasn't on the agenda; in fact the only sparks flying that night came from the static off Lisbon's satin negligée.

However much Lisbon had wanted it to happen, she couldn't ignore Jane's obvious reluctance. He'd been getting increasingly agitated ever since he saw the shared bed. Maybe it was timing, maybe it was never going to happen, but for her own sanity she had to put it behind her. There was no point mooning around like a lovesick teenager, otherwise they would be back to square one. They had their friendship back and that must count for something, regardless what happened there was no way she was jeopardizing that again.

Of course Felix made his home with Lisbon. Truth to be told he was an undemanding companion. Though a life-long dog lover, Lisbon found she made the switch to the softer species with ease. It was nice coming home to something other than an empty house. It was only in her darker moments where Lisbon mused on the fact the clock was ticking ever faster and the only thing that aroused the new man in her life was a box of Friskies.

Unfortunately the role of a lonely cat woman wasn't a good fit with the demands of an FBI career. The feasibility of her feline obligations was soon called into question when the usual cat sitter was rushed into hospital. Obliged to work out of town for a case, Lisbon had to call in Carol from the gym.

Having started out as gym buddies, they'd tentatively progressed to friends in a more general context. As careful with her friendships as with other relationships, Lisbon had been the one moving slow. She felt a moment of guilt in response to how grateful Carol sounded to be minding the cat. Maybe she needed to work on letting her guard down more easily.

A few days later Lisbon and Jane were back in Austin enjoying case closed drinks at Fagan's pub. Jane hadn't peeved off too many people for once, and Lisbon was more than happy to unwind in his company.

Sitting at the bar with Jane beside her she observed his habitual flirting with the hot young barmaid with amused detachment. Lisbon was never entirely sure whether he realised how devastating his charm offensive could be. No wonder the woman was positively drooling; by the way her eyes were devouring Jane it was clear she would have liked to pour herself as his next drink. As it was she was dangerously close to dangling a prominent part of her anatomy in his scotch.

Lisbon's eyes drifted across the woman's tanned flawless skin, fought the pull of her impossible cleavage and came to rest on Jane's face. He was smiling broadly at some weak sally but his eyes were free of desire. No pupil dilation at all. She shook her head in wonder, what was the matter with the man? It might have been the tequila talking, but even Lisbon wasn't immune to the bimbo's charms. She blinked at the thought, then ordered another shot.

Soon afterwards they called it a night and split a cab home. Lisbon waved Jane off and then made her way cautiously up the path. The door opened before she had time to fumble her keys. Lisbon took in the scene. Felix was happily comatose on her couch while Carol looked immaculately groomed in a tight fitting dress and elegant heels. An ice bucket and bottle of champagne completed the ensemble. Lisbon distractedly wondered if her friend had been expecting company.

Still pleasantly buzzed from the bar, Lisbon was slightly less inhibited than usual, and mindful of her vow to open up more, expressed her gratitude with a hug. It took her sozzled brain a few seconds to realise it was reciprocated with decidedly more than a platonic embrace. Lisbon's eyes widened in surprise when one of Carol's hands cupped her derriere, while the other sent a tingle along the back of her neck.

For a second Lisbon stood at the precipice. Was this really going to happen? Flashes of her failed romantic interlude with Jane and his indifference to the siren call of the opposite sex passed through her mind. What the hell, it was infinitely preferable to a lonely night with Leonard Cohen and bottle of red. Throwing caution to the wind, she allowed herself to follow in the footsteps of Sappho.

* * *

Lisbon woke up bleary eyed to find a warm, heavy mass on her chest. She was about to shove Felix off when realisation dawned it wasn't the cat. _Ohmigod._ She was in bed with Carol from Strategic Analysis. Carol of the soulful blue eyes, vibrant red hair and gym toned body. Carol who wore her heart on her sleeve, and forever looked like she was dying for the chance to shower someone with affection. She'd started out as a gym buddy (really she should have seen the signs), then casual friend and cat sitter and now was clearly plumping for something more.

Lisbon raised a cautious hand to brush some of Carol's errant hairs off her face. The analyst in question murmured happily and nestled more deeply into her breasts. She repressed a sigh and looked around helplessly. The articles of clothing wantonly discarded throughout the room dispelled any lingering doubts of what had happened.

Not to mention a sudden flash of recollection. _Oh, Sheepdip._ As if to add weight to her realisation Felix stalked into view and cast a reproachful glance at the woman usurping his rightful place in the bed.

Lisbon fought down a rising sense of panic. She was in her own bedroom; there was no decent way to disentangle herself from the situation without some sort of deep and meaningful conversation. Something told her the intense and passionate Carol wouldn't see this as a casual fling.

Practical minded as always, Lisbon started weighing up her options. She could break things off as gently as possible but was that being fair to herself or Carol? Given her pitiful lack of a love life was she really in a position to allow stuffy social conventions to rule her actions?

A life in law enforcement had exposed Lisbon to a broad spectrum of human behaviour. While some cops reacted by becoming even more prejudiced, Lisbon had gone in the other direction and grown more open minded. Cutting her teeth in San Francisco had no doubt helped that process. Now it was just a matter of taking that attitude and applying it to herself. Well, why not? The reality was Jane had spoiled her for more ordinary men and she was likely to wither on the vine before he looked her way.

Carol was warm and intelligent and clearly interested. She didn't mind admitting it was nice to be looked after for once. As for more intimate matters, if last night was anything to go by there were some unanticipated fringe benefits. Comparing her two most recent partners there was a lot to be said for Carol's ability to play her body like an accordion, in contrast to Pike bouncing up and down like a faulty toaster. If only she could shake off the nagging suspicion that were he so inclined, Jane's virtuoso skills could make her sing like a Stradivarius. It was too bad he was a dedicated soloist.

Lisbon stopped battling with herself and relaxed. Maybe there was no need to tie herself in knots over this. Her obsessive need for control hadn't exactly served her well in her CBI days. For all the pains she'd taken to reign in Jane and stay on top of things it had ended in a wrecked career and a barren personal life. Maybe it was time to just go with the flow and see what happened.

Public displays of affection would have to be right out, however. After having her dalliance with Pike aired as office gossip there was no way she was going to endure an even more thorough scrutiny. She could just imagine Fischer's faux shocked response before she stampeded a path to the water cooler to be the first to spread the news.

Abbott would likely limit himself to an amused smirk before looking worried as to what ramifications it would hold for the team. Cho, on the other hand, might pop his eyeballs out in an attempt to maintain his deadpan. And then of course all eyes would turn to Jane… Lisbon shuddered. There was no way she was going to go through that.

For all her determination to take back control of her life there was no way she would cut Jane adrift. He was a fixture in her life, always would be, but she was damned if she knew how to deal with this. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jane, but she wasn't cut out to be a nun. He had to realise she wasn't going to hang around forever waiting for him call time on his abstinence.

The following Monday it was a nervous Teresa Lisbon who pecked Carol on the cheek before making her way to the car. Fortunately her cat sitter with benefits was a cycling fanatic which avoided an awkward conversation around car-pooling. Once she'd parked at headquarters Lisbon took a second to check her appearance in the mirror. After an extensive recreational program with Carol she had to make sure there wasn't a big 'L' branded to her forehead. Jane would no doubt pick up on something but there was no need for the whole office to get wind of her broadened horizons.

Jane's head pivoted as if on a swivel as Lisbon breezed past. Something was up. His friend wore her habitual frown but it was contradicted by the spring in her step and a general air of relaxation. His first suspicion was that Pike had somehow returned to hit a home run, but that was quickly discarded. Marcus' card had been well and truly stamped and Lisbon was no hollaback girl.

A reconnaissance mission in the guise of a tea run furnished further data points. No male scent, though there were some new floral tones to Lisbon's aroma. Interesting. A hotel rendezvous perhaps? The return pass to the couch ruled out that possibility. That tuberose/gardenia mix wouldn't be found in any high end hotel and Lisbon wasn't the type to have an assignation in some seedy motel. A place with mints on the pillow was the minimum standard. Curious and more curious. Time for some light banter.

"Morning Lisbon."

Teresa shifted slightly in her seat but didn't look up from her email. "Morning Jane."

"Good weekend?" Jane probed.

Lisbon executed a half turn and raised an eyebrow. It was rare for a Jane conversation to be so banal. "It was OK. How about yours?"

"Oh, same as always," Jane responded distractedly. Lisbon turned back to her computer and Jane openly studied her from behind. She was definitely hiding something, but over the years her poker face had improved markedly. He was completely stumped.

Puzzlement turned to introspection. Really, who was he to pry into Lisbon's private life? If he was any kind of man at all then he'd be part of it. He harshly suppressed the urge to sigh. It was monstrously unfair to Lisbon. He couldn't be what she needed and yet he couldn't leave her free to find that with another man. Look what had happened when he'd left the field free for the gormless Pike. However much he rationalised that episode, his jealous lizard brain felt no regret at the outcome. Lisbon had deserved better, Pike was a compromise too far.

Any hopes their weekend away could resolve their dilemma were ill founded. Unfortunately while Lisbon had appeared certain of what she wanted, he or more specifically his libido wasn't on point (so to speak). After years of suppressing that part of himself it appeared to have gone into permanent hibernation. He was still haunted by the nightmare of trying to seal the deal with Lorelei. He'd almost had to resort to taking a little blue pill; for a while there it'd felt like threading a needle with a wet noodle. There was no way he could risk such an outcome with Lisbon.

He focussed once more on his friend. She'd forgotten about him and was engrossed in her work. There it was again, that aura of contentment. Who? How? Jane racked his brains. Maybe it was time to apply some De Bono theory, think outside the box.

It was just possible he was completely on the wrong track. Lisbon's contented glow didn't have to come from a sexual encounter. Maybe she'd enjoyed a re-watching of Thelma and Louise with a tub of her favourite ice cream. Or maybe (a less charitable part of him thought) she'd read a particularly satisfying chapter in her latest management theory book.

He took a moment to analyse the vibes further. No, much as he would like to believe that, there was a decidedly sensual quality to Lisbon's mood. Who had come recently into her life, or what…? Bingo! He snapped his fingers in realisation. Lisbon flinched guiltily and spilled her coffee but Jane didn't even notice.

Of course! It all made sense. Could Lisbon's happiness be attributed to Felix? The soothing qualities of owning a pet were well documented and what could be more sensual than stroking a contented pussy?


	2. Chapter 2 : Rumbled

**Chapter 2 : Rumbled**

A/N. FiascoWay here. Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a comment. One guest reviewer, Bella, expressed an interest in a f/f take on Jane and Lisbon. While this story doesn't deliver on that, I highly recommend googling "Crimson & Clover (over & over)" by the wonderful writer LaurytheLatrator. The story is located on another fanficton site and is everything you could wish for.

* * *

Once Jane thought he knew what was going on with Lisbon he was lulled into a false sense of complacency. He might be able to spot the flaw in someone's most cunning plan but his supreme confidence in his own abilities often prevented him from re-thinking a conclusion despite the mountains of evidence piling up.

So it was he blithely enjoyed Lisbon's company without being concerned by the little oddities that started cropping up. They no-longer met at her house, for instance. Lisbon also appeared to be on a health kick, her visits to the gym with her exercise partner occurred more frequently and it was commonplace for Lisbon to surface all hot and sweaty from a lunch or early evening session.

The look she'd given him when he'd presented her with a cat toy for "the special someone in her life" had also been a little odd. Perhaps she didn't like being outed as a cat lover.

In any case Jane had no reason to complain. Lisbon was far more serene, almost zen like when they worked on the case. Sure, it helped that Fischer or Abbott had to deal with the bulk of the complaints but it was also a fact Lisbon was much more relaxed and open to new ways of doing things. Thinking about the catalyst for the sea change, Jane had to metaphorically doff his hat to Felix. That cat had certainly made a difference to Lisbon's life. If it had been practicable, he might have considered getting one of his own.

It was an accident in the field that precipitated Jane's enlightenment as to the true state of affairs. A pursuit of a perp through a forest had resulted in Lisbon twisting her ankle. At first it had seemed minor and she'd waved off Cho and Fischer who were taking in the fugitive for questioning. It was only when she'd jumped into her own car that a bolt of agony shot through her ankle.

There was nothing for it but to let Jane drive. Still a prisoner to her tough cop persona, Lisbon waved off any suggestion of going to Emergency. On the ride back her new found calm deserted her as she berated Jane for her predicament. The day's activities had caused a flare-up of an old wound she'd suffered when one of Jane's pranks resulted in her being knocked over by a stampede of prospectors.

Jane was more than happy to let the argument rage on, anything to distract Lisbon from her pain. Even so his friend had fallen oddly silent towards the end of the trip. She seemed, withdrawn, edgy. Sensing her discomfort he'd clammed up as well. Memories of their rift were still fresh enough to make him tread with a little caution.

The second he pulled up outside her house, Lisbon had the seatbelt released and was out the door with a hasty thanks. This was immediately followed by a cry of agony and thump of her hitting the ground. Jane was round the car in a flash and ignoring Lisbon's glare he lifted her into his arms with a grunt.

As he staggered up the driveway he couldn't help noticing Lisbon's mortified expression. Honestly, the woman needed to learn to let someone take care of her for once. The superwoman act was wearing thin at her age. He was about to ask Lisbon about her key when the front door opened and Carol from the gym gave a cry of concern.

Jane barely got a chance to transfer Lisbon to her living room couch before he was hustled out of the way. In the whirlwind of activity that followed he took in the living room; the new framed pictures, pillows, throw rugs and various other un Lisbon-like furnishings. Given the errand of fetching Lisbon some water he drifted past the master bedroom and ensuite, which was more than enough to confirm his suspicions.

After recovering from the shock he rushed to complete his mission. The look Lisbon shot him on his return melted his heart. It took all his mentalist skills to interpret the shades of meaning in Lisbon's expression. There was defiance, embarrassment, apology, affection and underlying it all a plea for acceptance.

For once in his life Jane didn't bother with a mask. His look conveyed regret at a missed opportunity tempered with genuine acceptance of her choice and support of her happiness. He squeezed her knee in understanding, thanked Carol sincerely for taking care of his partner and made his exit.

Jane elected to take a walk from Lisbon's house to his airstream. He needed plenty of thinking time to get his head round this new development; one he hadn't considered even in his wildest conjecture. How could he possibly have misread the situation so badly?

His head was awash with the possible implications of the situation; not unreasonably he started to wonder how he fitted in with Lisbon's new world. There were no recriminations for Lisbon moving on, just profound regret they hadn't been able to forge their own future together. Once again complacency had been his undoing. Determined not to be pushed out again, Jane started to formulate a plan of action.

Back at work Jane made no effort to discuss Lisbon's new life choice. He seemed keen to carry on as before, much to her pleasant surprise. It took a few days for Lisbon to realise he might have some devious plan afoot.

She squinted in annoyance as she took a sip from her luke warm coffee. Goddammit if Jane wasn't talking to Carol again. Lisbon glared belligerently across the foyer; it only just fell short of stalking. Every time she spied Carol he just seemed to pop up out of nowhere.

Lisbon had insisted on keeping everything on the down low; it was well known she and Carol were gym buddies, allowing them to explain away their casual acquaintance. As a precautionary measure Carol had kept on her apartment in the short term, but was sub letting it to a friend to cover the lease. They had everything covered, and then Jane started butting in. Trust him to start sticking his nose in.

Lisbon's annoyance was tempered by some residual guilt where Jane was concerned, though logically she owed him none. Her eyes squinted as she watched his performance, Lisbon could just imagine the charm offensive he was launching. It was the same old routine, all part of the act but people bought it every time. By the looks of Carol's uncharacteristically gauche body language, he'd scored another hit.

The furtive look into Carol's oversized bag, followed by Jane taking her hand and turning it over to inhale her perfume was the oldest trick in the book. Lisbon could read him so well these days, she caught his eye for a nanosecond as he looked up. Although he acted as if he hadn't seen her, the faintest of smirks crossed his face as he continued to woo Carol.

The smug bastard was playing to the gallery. The steam was fairly coming out of Lisbon's ears as she approached them in time to hear Jane's familiar spiel.

"Definitely a vibrant young woman's fragrance. Let me guess. Ah yes a subtle bouquet of tuberose and mimosa, with woody undertones. Graceful, playful but evocative of the first stages of love. Amarige if I'm not mistaken?" Jane paused for affirmation before adding knowingly. "Of course you know that Amarige is just an anagram of the French word mariage, it's an ode to love."

He finished just in time to catch Lisbon mutter under her breath as she walked by. "Yep, just like it says on the box." She knew Carol always carried a small bottle of perfume around in her bag to refresh her fragrance during the day.

Ignoring Lisbon, despite the involuntary twitch of his lips, Jane carried on undaunted. He spoke just loud enough for Lisbon to hear."Just hold on to the magic my dear. Childish naiveté beats defeated cynicism any day." He backed away with a flourish, leaving a slightly flustered Carol behind. Although in no way attracted to Jane, she wasn't immune to his old fashioned gallantry.

Jane finally took his seat behind Lisbon on the sofa. Without even turning to look at him Lisbon growled, "I don't know what your game is, but cut it out Jane."

Glaring at her computer screen she could positively feel his self satisfied smile. "Why Lisbon, who could resist the charms of such a delightful young nymph? So vibrant and full of life."

Only the nearby presence of Wylie stopped her from answering back, she would have no tooth enamel left if he carried on like this. Which of course Jane did, at every opportunity. Even Fischer started to notice what she mistook as Lisbon's jealousy every time Jane stopped to talk to Carol.

The office queen bee saw this as the perfect chance to take Lisbon under her wing, and not coincidentally re-establish herself at the top of the office romance pecking order. She asked Lisbon to lunch, ostensibly to discuss a case and then dropped the act the second they were seated.

She shot Lisbon a faux innocent look. "So Jane's been spending a lot of time around Carol…"

Lisbon adopted an air of indifference. "Oh, has he?"

Fischer leaned in for the kill. "He definitely has and unless you do something about it he could slip right through your fingers."

"I'll take my chances," said Lisbon dryly.

Her colleague raised an eyebrow in surprise. "We both know Jane's a good lookin man and a shameless flirt. A tough dog to keep on the porch, as Hillary Clinton would say."

A wry snort escaped Lisbon. "I doubt the 'old dog' is going to wander too far."

It was time to lay on the sympathy. Fisher placed a gentle hand on Lisbon's arm. "Teresa, you don't want to be complacent. Carol is a lot younger than you are, much as a man might think he's faithful, you place that kind of temptation in his path and he might just 'go with the flow'." She sat back with a knowing look.

Lisbon flushed, Fischer's random shots were landing a little too close for comfort. She crossed her arms defensively. "I know you don't get along with Jane but he's not like that. He would never do that to me." She couldn't help wonder, however, what exactly Jane was up to. She knew he wasn't interested in Carol but that didn't offer much comfort. Jane wasn't one to share his toys.

Kim misread her colleague's sudden look of uncertainty. Fishing through her bag she slipped a dog eared book across the table. Lisbon looked down at the title. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (get the man you want and make him your slave!) _Oh Dear God._

Fischer misread Lisbon's reaction. "I want you to keep it, please. It's made me the woman I am, maybe it will help you as well."

Lisbon slid it into her handbag like it was a dead rat. Oh well, at least it might make a fun read for her and Carol that night.

Lisbon chewed over Jane's motives for the rest of the day. While she was reasonably certain Jane wouldn't act to cause her outright grief, that still left plenty of leeway for him to cause her mischief. Casting back over their long association, Lisbon was reminded that for all his charm, Jane was a very strange man in some respects.

The distraction interfered with her concentration and Lisbon found herself staying back late to finish a case report. Her phone vibrated to an incoming text causing her to frown in irritation. A quick glance confirmed it was Carol. Having already learnt the cost of not responding to one of her concerned texts, Lisbon rattled off a terse response. Tossing her phone carelessly into her shoulder bag, Lisbon returned to finding the right mix of facts and legalese to put the right level of professional gloss to her work.

As luck would have it, Jane chose that moment to return from one of his mysterious errands that often consumed half the day. Lisbon long suspected there was nothing to them other than Jane finding some pleasant park and falling asleep under a tree. His enthusiasm for crime fighting had never been pronounced and after his return from exile, had deteriorated to downright lackadaisical.

Naturally the blond haired pest decided to perch himself on the corner of her desk, the better to shoot the evening breeze. A fresh cup of tea was raised to his lips when his inquisitive glance took in the spine of Fischer's book. An undignified snort and coughing fit was the result as Jane manfully fought off the reflex that would have showered Lisbon with tea.

Acting from instinct, Lisbon was whacking Jane on the back and handing him a tissue when she remembered she was pissed at him. The whacks subconsciously increased in strength until Jane started crying out in pain.

"OOOW! What was that for?"

Lisbon stopped her motion on the downswing, sparing Jane a particularly punishing blow. "You really have to ask me that?"

Jane took another of Lisbon's tissues to blast the residual tea from his sinuses. "If this is about Carol, I'm only trying to have your back."

Lisbon crossed her arms. "Is that what it's called? I'd have said unhealthy snooping into my private life." Jane had the grace to look uncomfortable, which granted Lisbon the moral impetus to continue.

"You've made it pretty clear you're not interested in giving me what Carol has to offer so why are you getting involved?"

Jane's expression turned from uneasy to alarmed. "It's not like that Lisbon, I swear. I was spending time with Carol to make sure she's worthy of you. I mean, you have terrible taste in men, maybe that translates to women as well."

Lisbon's response died in her mouth. The audacity of the man was breathtaking. She wanted to berate him further but was mastered by her curiosity. "And… ? What's your assessment of Carol?"

Jane's expression softened. "She really is lovely. A little too sheltered, true, but a kinder, more intelligent woman you couldn't have met."

"Gee I'm so relieved you approve, Jane." But Lisbon's sarcasm lacked its usual bite, even to her ears. "What else were you up to with her? You could've learnt all of that from the first meeting."

Jane forced himself to look Lisbon right in the eye. "I found I enjoyed her company. We actually have several interests in common." Lisbon quirked an eyebrow, she clearly wasn't buying it.

Defeated, Jane looked downward. "I don't want to make the same mistake I made with you and Pike," he said in a low voice. "If she's going to be part of your life, I don't want to be caught on the outside. I don't think I could bear to watch our friendship drift apart again."

Caught off guard by his honesty, Lisbon swallowed heavily. "I wouldn't let that happen," she husked. "You weren't the only one to learn a lesson from Pike." They stared at each other for a long moment, regret hung palpably in the air between them. Another text from Carol intruded and Jane took it as a cue to return to his couch. Lisbon looked after him and wondered how her life had become so complicated.

Over the next few days Lisbon was weighed down by trying to decide how she was going to square the equation. On the one hand she had a relationship that addressed most of her emotional and physical needs. Then on the other she had a deep and longstanding friendship with Jane, which in another life would surely have translated into a committed relationship.

Whatever she felt for Carol, even if she didn't know exactly how to label it, was heartfelt and sincere. Carol brought an angst free gaiety to Lisbon's life; she found herself able to wind down, and relax in a way that she hadn't done for years. Her co-workers would have been amazed to see how unfettered she was at home when she finally felt free to throw off the mantle of responsibility and let her hair down.

The whole dynamic of the relationship was completely different from anything Lisbon had known before; it wasn't governed by the rules of sexual politics. There was no need to stand her ground about their respective roles because Carol was on the same side to start with. It was difficult to comprehend, but Lisbon felt relaxed and comfortable with Carol, despite the ambiguity of her feelings.

For all that she couldn't, wouldn't, abandon her friendship with Jane. Their shared history was too significant to erase and for all his various faults, she'd never had such a funny, caring and exciting friend. Life with Jane was an adventure and the thought of living a life without him invariably sent her back to the interminably weary years she'd spent exiled in Canon River.

Little by little Lisbon started to lower her guard, and allow for the possibility of letting Jane into her life with Carol. It was indisputable that the younger woman had fallen for his avuncular charms, and a genuine friendship was burgeoning between them. In the absence of close family, Jane was someone Carol felt comfortable confiding in, and curiously Lisbon found that she didn't feel threatened by that.

When Lisbon reflected on the situation, it was much like one of her favourite Spice Girls songs. "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends…" While she was still a little conflicted about who should be her lover and who her friend, there was no denying life was much easier when the two worlds were in harmony.

Bringing Jane into the fold proved a boon in a number of ways. Previously reticent to be seen out in public with Carol, Lisbon was much happier when the threesome undertook outings. Having Jane to beard the relationship made her feel much more relaxed about the situation. Though things still felt surreal at times, the threesome found an easy rhythm. Carol's general cheerfulness and enthusiasm served to challenge and inspire Jane and Lisbon, whose natural state tended to be a little more world weary.

Despite the potential awkwardness of the situation, Jane's silky skills ensured Carol never felt excluded when he reminisced over old times with her paramour. Likewise his genuine fondness for Carol soon dissipated any fleeting jealousy he may have felt when he was dropped off at his trailer, despite knowing that Carol and Teresa were off home to their shared bed.

As for Lisbon, she was very much having her cake and eating it too. Things were going so naturally and easily she couldn't help but wonder when it might all go wrong.

Perversely, it was another cat sitting episode that proved the catalyst for changing things up again. When Carol surprised Lisbon with a romantic getaway for two in San Antonio, it was only natural for Jane to be pressed into service as minder for Felix.

Delighted at the prospect of a break from the cramped confines of the Silver Bucket (not that he would ever admit as much), Jane was more than happy to install himself in the spare bedroom of Lisbon's house.

Despite his best intentions, the temptation to have a good snoop round the house finally got the better of Jane. He just couldn't help himself, his natural curiosity had to be satisfied. Starting in the kitchen the cupboard contents were examined to see if they passed muster. The well stocked shelves suggested an attempt at a more balanced diet, although Jane pulled his face at some of the more new age fads that he attributed to Carol.

The books and DVD's definitely reflected Carol's taste more so than Lisbon's; Carol didn't strike him as a Diehard girl, and he wondered where Lisbon had stashed her old favourites. The music system was loaded with an eclectic mix reflecting their differing tastes, but Jane picked up on the more cultural influence of Carol approvingly.

Jane sniffed the various potions in the bathroom, soon recognising which were Lisbon's, and taking a mental note of her favourites in readiness for the festive season.

He paused guiltily outside the master bedroom knowing he really shouldn't pry. Temptation warred with his hunger for knowledge. Oh well, in for a penny, he rationalised as he pushed the door ajar. Felix had been in attendance and gave a cautionary miaow as Jane nosed into the room.

The cat took up his rightful place on the bed from where he could keep a watchful eye on proceedings. Guessing Felix had been relegated from the bedroom with Carol's arrival, Jane cast him a quick look "Well I won't tell if you don't."

Jane attributed the new soft decor to Carol's influence, the shades of champagne and dusky rose were not colours normally associated with Lisbon. The artfully arranged scatter cushions and soft drapes of the now sumptuous boudoir were perfectly suited to a romantic interlude.

With a soupçon of guilt Jane opened the first wardrobe, a preponderance of dresses as opposed to utilitarian pant suits left little doubt that it was Carol's. Quickly moving on, the next wardrobe was full of more practical clothing; the gentle whiff of Lisbon's favourite scent hung in the air. An unexpected flash of colour caught Jane's eye, hello what's this? Jane reached in and pulled out a dusky pink cocktail dress - who would have thought it, Lisbon pretty in pink? The memory of the old tomboy Lisbon posing awkwardly in Van Pelt's bridesmaid outfit, brought a wistful smile to his face. Glancing down his eyes rested on the shoe rack; Lisbon had heels! He lifted up one of the dainty sandals envisaging her in them, with a smile on his face. How times had changed.

Closing the wardrobe door he made his way to the bed. Felix arched his back as Jane neared the bedside table on Lisbon's side. Jane briefly scratched him at the base of his tail before the draw reclaimed his attention. He traced a finger along the top of the drawer, pondering what might be inside. A cranky miaow brought his attention back to Felix, who stared at him in disapproval. Jane's fingers tapped musingly against the wood before reluctantly withdrawing.

Perhaps this was a Pandora's box best left unopened. Temptation overcome, Jane leant over and took hold of Felix with a laugh."It's all right old boy I'm not going to look any further – that would be plain creepy. It's time we made an exit, I don't think either of us should be here any longer."

All of a sudden Jane sneezed, he looked at the cat suspiciously, wondering if he had some kind of allergy. He'd never been confined indoors with a cat before for any length of time, always being more of a dog person.

As Jane snuggled down on the couch, he buried his face in the cushions luxuriating in the comfort of the familiar aroma. This was the life. It had to be said, this was infinitely more appealing than the Airstream. Felix hovered expectantly, hoping to be invited up, but recoiled when Jane was surprised by another sneeze. Jane gave a gentle flick of his foot to move Felix away, but annoyingly the sneezing persisted.

Feeling weary all of a sudden, Jane dragged a soft pink throw over himself and decided to have a little kip. Plenty of time to hide any evidence of his snooping and see to Felix's needs when he woke up…

Jane woke up sweating, shivering and in a state of disorientation. When he finally wrenched his gummed up eyelids apart he recoiled in horror from the strange face leering at him from inches away. The move propelled him out of the couch to crash painfully to the floor. He spent several minutes watching the ceiling revolve before he clawed himself upright.

Now that he was a little more awake he could determine the object of his terror was the Hello Kitty pillow he'd fallen asleep on.

He felt dreadful, far beyond what could be called an allergy. He wondered briefly whether he'd caught a rare human strain of cat flu before dismissing the thought as unfair to Felix. A glance at his watch confirmed the suspicion he'd slept for the better part of 24 hours. It was now Sunday and he needed to pull himself together before the girls arrived home.

Ignoring Felix's strident demands to be fed, he dragged himself into the bathroom and painfully shed his clothes. Marshalling the last of his strength he crawled into the shower and sat back against the cool tiles while the hot water washed his face and chest. Mouth open he gulped down the life giving spray as he tried to use his biofeedback to will himself to health.

Some considerable time later he forced himself to end the shower. He blessed Carol's domesticity with all of his heart when he wrapped himself in one of her extra plush towels. Decency, somewhat precariously secure, he staggered into the kitchen, determined to see to his four legged friend.

Unfortunately while the spirit was willing, the flesh was weak. He was pouring dry food into Felix's bowl when a wave of dizziness overcame him and he collapsed to the floor. When Carol and Lisbon came home some hours later they found Jane passed out with a very full Felix contentedly sleeping on his back.

Carol immediately coo-ed in sympathy and started setting things to right. Lisbon was strangely reticent to touch him, and held back until she was pressed into service, trying hard not to stare openly at Jane's naked flank. It might have explained why Lisbon was unusually receptive to Carol's plea they take in Jane until he was fully recovered.

Jane proved to be suffering from a particularly nasty strain of flu and he soon had Carol catering for his every whim, which further cemented the bond between them. While the cynic in Lisbon was convinced he was milking it for all he was worth, there was no question he'd been genuinely ill. By the time Jane turned the corner their situation had turned so cosily domestic that the subject of him moving out just never seemed to come up.

One night as Lisbon succumbed to Carol's tender ministrations, (mercifully the guest bedroom was at the other end of the house) she couldn't help reflecting how strange her life had become. The lines of love and friendship were becoming more and more blurred and she wondered where it would all end.

* * *

A/N Hi Thorntons here

Just a quick note to say thank you to everyone who has stuck with this, and also to thank Fiascoway for completely transforming the original concept with his exciting ideas and his wonderful way with words. I'm not sure who led who astray on the next few chapters but I don't think either of us put up much resistance.


	3. Chapter 3 : I'm your Venus

**Chapter 3: I'm Your Venus**

A/N: For those who were shocked, horrified, dismayed, disgusted or appalled by the first two chapters of this story… Thank you for taking the time to let us know. Alas, Thorntons and I had written the story in its entirety before publishing the first chapter so the die is cast, the wheels in motion. As it was written, so it must be!

Please look away now (or at worst peek between your fingers). Here goes...

* * *

Long resigned to a solitary existence, it was surprising how readily Jane adapted to communal living. Although he half expected to get his marching orders the first time he upset Lisbon, she was surprisingly forbearing. Somehow or another the trio found an equilibrium that seemed to suit them all and incrementally, over several weeks, Jane's belongings migrated from the Silver Bucket into his new home.

Naturally he was on his very best behaviour to start with, which completely threw Lisbon. Who was this man and what had he done with Patrick Jane? Finding she quite liked this new iteration of the old model, Lisbon bided her time to see when and if the fault lines would start to appear. Surely Jane couldn't keep this up for ever - did leopards ever change their spots? Hell he'd even been more helpful at work of late, perhaps wary of incurring Lisbon's wrath at this stage.

Oddly enough their ambiguous arrangement continued to work well. Carol and Jane's shared love of opera allowed them to indulge their interest without dragging a disinterested Lisbon along. Though not a complete philistine she agreed with the humorist who said 'Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.'

Jane revelled in being able to impress his young companion with his superior knowledge, although he was slightly taken aback when she had the temerity to disagree with his opinion on the relative merits of La Traviata as opposed to La Bohème. On reflection Lisbon was hardly going to fall for someone without some spark about them, it made him cherish his friendship with Carol all the more.

In their absence Lisbon took the opportunity to indulge in her own guilty pleasures. A mindless action movie or soppy cinema classic was a pleasant break from Jane and Carol's highfalutin ways. She could also indulge in her taste for cheesy 90s pop music without suffering the scandalised side glances of the two culture vultures.

After years of being a lone wolf who survived on the occasional back handed compliment from Jane, it was hard to cope with Carol's full on adulation at times. Quite apart from enjoying Jane's company, Lisbon knew that he helped balance out some of Carol's more obsessive qualities. The younger woman shared several traits with her older lover. She was intense and particular and suffered through a childhood devoid of affection. Those circumstances had taken her in a radically different direction, however, and where Lisbon was a loner, Carol craved the company of others.

As a couple, this emotional need wouldn't have taken long to trigger Lisbon's latent commitment issues (never far from the surface in any case). Jane provided a much needed release valve. Carol enjoyed fussing over him and he was more than happy to lap up the attention. When Carol's flights of fancy became too much even for him, it was something he and Lisbon could commiserate over. Over time Lisbon conceded that Jane was the missing piece in their jigsaw puzzle.

And so they settled into a comfortable domesticity. Jane was curiously content, just like Lisbon he was having the best of both worlds. He was genuinely happy that Lisbon's needs were being met without the threat of her being taken away from him. It left him free to enjoy her company without having to endanger his fragile post Red John equilibrium by putting his heart at risk through stepping outside his comfort zone.

Revelling in the pleasures of middle aged bachelorhood, he settled into the elder statesman role, benignly letting proceedings wash over him and indulging his tendency for fogeyism. Needless to say Lisbon pilloried him mercilessly the morning he emerged in his neatly laundered pyjamas and a Paisley dressing gown. The snorts of derision rang out as Lisbon was doubled over with laughter, and Jane soon learned there were some things best not shared.

Letting the white noise of the girl's chatter wash over him, he could wile hours away buried in his latest novel filtering out anything that interfered with his concentration. Occasionally glancing up to see what was going on around him he could dive in and out of the domestic scenes according to the degree of entertainment on offer.

On one notable day Carol decided to give Lisbon a makeover. Ignoring her victim's pleas to adjourn to the bedroom Carol insisted the light was better in the lounge area.

It was strangely addictive watching Lisbon in this newly submissive role, a million miles away from the tough FBI agent. Lisbon averted her eyes in embarrassment the first time Jane caught her eyes. A half smile crossed his face and he affected to return to his reading. The appeal of his book was now replaced by a curiosity in seeing Lisbon being transformed before him.

Long suffering, and uncharacteristically patient, Lisbon just sat there with a hangdog expression, like the family mutt enduring a bath. Oblivious to her suffering, Carol happily worked on her test subject for perfecting the art of natural makeup.

A little insensitive to the age difference, Carol insisted the key to a perfect finish was to moisturise those little fine lines around the eyes. Lisbon forced a smile through gritted teeth. Although he was apparently engrossed in his book, Lisbon swore she saw Jane smirking at this point.

The moisturiser was slathered liberally over the offending areas, and Carol peered in closely to check the desired effect had been achieved. Not entirely satisfied with the results, Carol guilelessly ventured to ask whether Lisbon had ever considered bleaching that little tache above her top lip.

Jane suddenly started coughing and rushed to the kitchen for a glass of water, from where he could watch proceedings from a safe distance. Lisbon's eyes narrowed when he returned, just daring him to say something, which just induced a paroxysm of silent sniggering.

Adding layer upon layer of gunk until she was satisfied that Lisbon looked completely natural, Carol turned to Jane for his approval. Taking pity on Lisbon, who apart from a few missing freckles looked exactly the same as she had an hour earlier, Jane grandly pronounced. "She looks like nature's child - a veritable picture of pulchritude."

Seemingly dissatisfied with this answer, after all pulchritude sounded like an affliction, Carol continued her quest for perfection. Jane just shrugged sympathetically in Lisbon's direction. What more could he do?

Marginally irritated on Lisbon's behalf, Jane had to admit that Carol could be a tad overbearing with his partner at times. It was a strange dynamic because Lisbon would never tolerate that from a man. Perhaps the very fact Carol was a woman freed Lisbon from her baggage of having to look after damaged men while simultaneously recalling happier themes when she'd been cared for by her mother. Even rationalised to that point, however, Jane couldn't help feeling a smidgeon of jealousy. If only Lisbon was as responsive when he got a little authoritarian!

To Jane's straight forward world view a square-up was occasionally required, which he would exact by playing on Carol's tendency to OCD by fractionally adjusting the straightness of the pictures or by messing with the alphabetically ordered foodstuffs in the cupboards. In fairness to Carol, the imperfections would elicit little more than a gentle huff of exasperation, and a flurry of activity until perfect order was restored.

* * *

There was no suppressing Carol's excitement on the day of her birthday, for so long birthdays had been tinged with regret at the estrangement from her surviving family, who struggled to come to terms with her coming out of the closet. At last she was among people who accepted her for what she was and genuinely cared for her, anything on top of that was just the icing on the cake.

Carol wasn't stupid, she knew Lisbon struggled with commitment and guessed jewellery wasn't on the cards - perhaps next year she thought wistfully? Besides it was impossible not to be delighted with the personalised gift Lisbon had chosen for her, clearly Lisbon had put a lot of thought into it.

Recalling the story about Jane presenting Lisbon with a pony one birthday, Carol opened the gift card from Jane with some trepidation. Carol dubiously weighed up the possibilities, unsure of what to expect. There was no need to worry as Jane had chosen the perfect gift, Carol's face broke into a smile when she saw the spa break for two.

Knowing that she belonged was the greatest gift of all, surrounded by people who genuinely cared for her. Carol gave Jane the biggest hug before passing the card over to Lisbon. "Thank you – it's just perfect." Carol said breathlessly, quite overcome by their generosity. Jane's eyes crinkled in satisfaction of a gift well chosen; in truth he was just as pleased by Lisbon's more subtle nod of appreciation as by Carol's gushing thanks.

With a look at Felix, Jane added. "Guess it's just us boys then, better not wreck the place while they're away." Both Carol and Lisbon knew that he was more likely to take advantage of a rare solitary weekend by getting lost in some new Russian novel, rather than painting the town red.

By good fortune Carol's birthday had fallen on the weekend, so they could really push the boat out and celebrate in style. A party had been arranged for a select group of Carol's friends from outside work. Jane always viewed such events with some trepidation as he inevitably garnered unwelcome attention. Still it was Carol's big day, and he didn't want to rain on her parade. They'd ordered food in for a buffet, no point making hard work of it, allowing everyone plenty of time to get ready.

Carol looked radiant in her party dress which fitted her perfectly in all the right places. Jane gave her a quick peck on the cheek and told her she looked beautiful. It hadn't escaped his notice that Lisbon was hanging in the background, standing gawkily in her own finery. Looking over Carol's shoulder as he hugged her, Jane's eyes lingered slightly longer than necessary as he appreciatively drank in the vision in front of him.

Lisbon had legs and pretty damned good ones at that. Though her attire was more muted than Carol's, Lisbon's soft curls and above the knee dress affected him more than he liked to admit. Knowing Lisbon wouldn't want to take attention from Carol, he silently mouthed a wow in Lisbon's direction, and was amused to see a pink flush sweep across her face.

Gathering one of them on either side, he put his arms around their shoulders before proudly proclaiming that he was the luckiest man in the world. Carol lapped it all up, loving being the centre of attention, but Lisbon was strangely reticent after Jane's less than subtle taking in of her appearance.

The party was a great success; the girls danced away and got pleasantly buzzed on the sparkling wine. Jane was the convivial host as he sallied forth among the guests keeping the conversation going and topping up everyone's glasses. He took care not to spend time with anyone in particular to avoid putting himself in anyone's sights. Nevertheless it was impossible to miss the striking brunette of indeterminate gender who was following his every move. Jane made a mental note to steer well clear of his/her presence.

Too late, he noticed they'd latched on to the group he was with. Jane wrapped up the conversation with a pithy quotation, hoping to make a fast retreat "The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

"Not to mention something to look forward to as well, Patrick..." The brunette gave Jane a hungry smile.

"Well there is that way of looking at it." Jane conceded, treading warily.

Before long he ended up in an animated discussion with the he-lady, who matched his witticisms with sly innuendo. Lisbon watched with some trepidation; Jane was playing with fire. His sparring partner was a spiritedly gender-fluid person who liked to alternate between their Venus and Venis personas. They'd eaten better men, or women for that matter, before breakfast and weren't going to let Jane's assumed gay status deter them. Jane's superficial flirting would be taken as a come on and his card was definitely marked.

In the end Jane was rescued by a slightly tipsy Carol, demanding a dance with him. Happy to oblige he twirled and dipped her in time to the music. As she tottered away a bit unsteadily to find somewhere to sit down, Jane caught Lisbon's eye from the other side of the room. By pure chance Lisbon's favourite song had come on, he raised an eyebrow and held his hand out to Lisbon. "I know no monkey business." He whispered into her ear as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Their slow dance for old time's sake was raising some eyebrows, as each had closed their eyes. Feeling Lisbon sigh deeply into his shoulder, Jane realised they were getting carried away in the moment. Gently disentangling himself from Lisbon, Jane lead her over to Carol to finish off the rest of the dance with her. Jane didn't miss Lisbon's wistful look over Carol's shoulder. He turned away berating himself for his unexpected lapse, wondering what had brought it on. Their fragile ecosystem suited them all, and it was dangerous to start tinkering with its delicate balance.

The party started to break up, and in the comings and goings they hadn't kept track of everyone, but eventually they collapsed in some chairs relieved at being alone at last. Wanting to give the girls some time alone together, Jane bade them farewell and retired to his room. Seeing his door slightly ajar and the soft light from the bedside lamp, Jane assumed one of the girls had popped in there at some stage.

On opening the door he swallowed convulsively as the sight of Venis reclining on his bed. She/he fixed him with a hungry smile and twitched the strategically placed sheet aside...

"Lisbon!" When in trouble he knew where to turn.

Seeing Jane's look of panic as he hid behind her, Lisbon couldn't help but smile. No change on that score, she consoled herself.

A few stern words and a hastily thrown towel had the he-siren stalking unapologetically from the room.

Ashen faced, Jane collapsed onto his bed.

Lisbon's amusement grew. "C'mon Jane, I'm sure you've see a naked woman before..."

Jane stared off into space for second before sending her a look filled with horror. "Venis has a _shenis…_!"

* * *

The room was barely recognisable, where had all those throws and cushions come from? Lisbon's rather utilitarian home had been transformed into a bohemian palace in preparation for Carol's soirée **.** Knowing she had a get out jail card as she was meeting Cho down the shooting range, Lisbon smiled indulgently. Carol was busily floating around the house making tiny adjustments to perfect the ambiance. It was a minor miracle she didn't set herself on fire as the long sleeves of her wafty garments breezed dangerously close to the artfully arranged scented candles. Felix and Jane glared at Lisbon accusingly, neither of them had been so lucky as to obtain a leave pass.

Lisbon made her escape plans without a modicum of guilt. After all, it was Jane's own fault. If he hadn't been so pretentious he wouldn't have been roped into to this. Keen as always to wow and impress his young protégé, he couldn't resist his ability to recite several poems he'd committed to memory. An impassioned recital of Dylan Thomas was enough to seal his fate. He was a prize recruit for the Austin chapter of the Dead Poets Society.

For all his skill at reading people, he'd been helpless under the onslaught of Carol's baby blues. The arch manipulator had well and truly met his Achilles heel. Lisbon had a fair idea what was coming and couldn't get out of there quick enough, ignoring Jane's plaintive 'help me' look she left him to the mercy of pseuds corner, having a good chuckle on her way to the car. She'd barely reached the range when the first text arrived.

 _They're wearing cravats._

A smile formed as Lisbon envisaged the scene, looking forward to an ongoing commentary. She just hoped Jane didn't disgrace himself; Carol took these things very seriously.

It was good to spend some time with Cho, they didn't fraternise outside of work much these days. Whatever Cho knew of their living arrangements he kept those thoughts to himself, neither wanting nor needing to delve deeper into his colleague's private lives. Not that Lisbon had any complaints about her life, but it was good to hang out with someone as uncomplicated and undemanding as Cho for a change. Both Jane and Carol could be divas at times.

Cho quirked an eyebrow when Lisbon's phone buzzed again.

"Poetry club" Lisbon said without further explanation. She put her phone down after an amused glance at the text.

Cho just smirked, just knowing how Jane was likely to perform in that setting. He wouldn't be able to help himself.

The vegan canapés had been consumed, and the lights were lowered as the ensemble took turns to read their favourite poems. After the twelfth heartfelt rendering, Jane was starting to drop off. A sharp dig in the ribs roused him. Carol had been quick to pick that habit up from Lisbon, Jane reflected as he rubbed his side ruefully.

Not wishing to bare his soul in front of a bunch of strangers, when Jane's turn came he chose a short piece by William Carlos Williams.

Lisbon's phone buzzed again, she started to laugh and showed Cho the text.

 _Aagh! They've moved on to their own works now. No one said anything about that!_

Unsympathetically Lisbon typed out a quick response _._

 _Better get composing then Paddy Boy - this could be your big chance._

Carol had opened proceedings to polite applause with a contemplative and mercifully short piece about the passage of time. Various turgid offerings followed, until a self styled prince of poetry took centre stage. Demanding everyone's complete attention he pronounced "The Silence." Assuming a nobly tragic pose, he stood there commanding attention for the best part of five minutes without saying a word.

The silence was only interrupted by the faint buzz of Jane's phone indicating a reply from Lisbon. Carol glared at him reprovingly and put her finger to her lips. Jane fought back an overwhelming desire to start giggling. The prince of poetry ended his performance by voicing his thanks and the group applauded rapturously and a deep discussion of his work ensued. Jane just shook his head in amusement. He could spot a fellow fraud from a mile away.

As Lisbon took off her ear defenders, Cho glanced in the direction of her phone to alert her of a new missive.

 _Beam me up Scottie_

A terse _Behave!_ Was sent back in response _._

At the poetry soiree, the spotlight suddenly fell on Jane and everyone looked at him expectantly. "Your turn Patrick," Carol said encouragingly.

Despite his protestations that he hadn't prepared anything, people thought he was just being modest and it was clear he'd have to think of something quick. Throwing caution to the wind, he decided to follow wherever his stream of consciousness flowed

 _"_ The emperor has new clothes

I fear the scent of candle rose

The cushions of ignorance, sweetly stifle my temperance

As yet another fool declaims

I feel heat rise in my veins

I may do someone violence if they dare recite Silen..."

Jane's eyes watered as a carefully placed stiletto heel pressed down on his foot before he could impart his final barb.

Swiftly changing tack he reeled off the first thing that came into his head, an old carney ditty.

"Mary had a little lamb

She also had a duck

She put them on the mantelpiece

To see if they would..."

Anticipating the crude finish, a rather flustered Carol took no chances and cut the performance short. "Oh my, look at the time. Let's move things onto our next meeting..."

Lisbon rolled her eyes when her phone bleeped again, Cho looked up expectantly. It was Carol

 _A limerick! He recited a goddamned limerick!_

Lisbon bit her lip in a vain attempt to suppress a smile

"What's he done now?" It didn't take a genius to work out Jane had misbehaved, Cho knew him too well.

Lisbon just showed him the text and they both started giggling. Though Lisbon knew it was no laughing matter, she was the one who was going to have to smooth the troubled waters. She needed to get her mirth out of her system before she got home, the faintest trace of amusement and Carol would be in a huff.


	4. Chapter 4 : Hoo Ha at the Shangri-La

**Chapter 4 : Hoo Ha at the Shangri-La**

As chance would have it their next case involved an undercover operation at the Shangri-La Club; hedonistic and high energy, it was the jewel in the crown of Austin's reputation as the LGBT capital of Texas.

A stream of prominent people had been entrapped by rent boys traced back to the Shangri-La, and in the last week one of the young men had been found murdered after agreeing to turn State's evidence. It was organised extortion whichever way you looked at it, and the team were going undercover to try and mingle with the party goers to establish who was behind it.

The operation was an opportunity for desk bound Carol to finally play a part in Jane and Lisbon's professional lives. Despite their protests she appointed herself chief fashion consultant. In truth her victims had no grounds for argument. Lisbon had only just joined the home team while Jane had always played with a straight bat, at least when he played at all.

After bringing out a succession of outfits which she held up behind Lisbon's back to get Jane's opinion, Carol finally found one which met with his vigorous approval. Despite her better judgement Lisbon turned round to see what had won such keen endorsement. She rolled her eyes. "Forget it. I'm not wearing goddamned sequined hot pants for anyone."

Carol and Jane shrugged in unison; both already had that vision firmly ensconced in their respective memory palaces. Clucking her tongue in irritation, Lisbon steered Carol into their bedroom. She was resigned to letting her lover have some input but damned if she was doing it front of an audience.

When she finally emerged the transformation was complete. With bed hair, heavy black eye makeup and matching black lipstick, Lisbon scowled belligerently, just daring Jane to laugh. Far from it his pulse raced slightly, feeling stirrings of a nature he hadn't felt for a while. Lisbon really rocked the bondage look.

"Why Lisbon It's just perfect." Jane declared, hiding a smile as her chains clunked whenever she moved. Far from looking butch and scary, her pout made her downright adorable. Self preservation made Jane resist swooping in for a hug but it was a close run thing. Making first claim on her, Felix rubbed against her legs possessively and stared Jane out.

Jane's complements did nothing to lift Lisbon's spirits. "I look like an extra from the Blue Oyster Bar," she groused. Oblivious to the reference, Carol trained her fashionista gaze on Jane. "OK Patrick, now it's your turn."

Jane's visibly slumped as bondage Lisbon finally perked up on seeing the bright side to their undercover operation. Carol breezed out of the room, only to return with a rainbow coloured shopping bag that she dropped at Jane's feet.

With great trepidation Jane reached in to find a gold lamé vest. He shrugged philosophically. It was a little on the small side, and he'd have to suck his gut in for most of the evening, but it could have been far worse. When the next item he pulled out was a pair of black leather pants, he blanched and started to protest.

Disappointed with how lightly he'd gotten off Lisbon was quick to interject. "C'mon Jane, man up. A vest and pants is hardly a big departure for you."

Jane just looked at her sadly and flipped them over to reveal their true nature; assless chaps.

Lisbon's unladylike wheeze of delight earned her a furious glare from Jane. "You're walking in front of me at all times Miss Pervy Perv Perv!" He hissed.

Oblivious to the angst she was causing, Carol fairly bristled with pride when she sent them out on their mission. Her joy was intensified when Lisbon leaned in and unusually for her, initiated a smooching kiss. Whatever happened that night, Carol had ensured a win for the sisterhood. Lisbon imperiously gestured for Jane to go ahead while she enjoyed the view. The moon was rising early in Austin that night.

The FBI crew made their rendezvous outside the club. Cho had done the bare minimum to fit the part. Tight black jeans, an even tighter designer t-shirt and mirror shades. If he didn't look gay, he at least looked like the personal trainer of someone who was. When he whipped off his glasses Lisbon did a double take. Was he really wearing eyeliner? She appraised his sartorial choices critically; he really needed longer trousers with those platform heels.

Fischer had taken a different tack. A _ct Like a Lady, Think Like a Man_ had an entire chapter on assertive dating wear. After a careful perusal of her spare copy, Fischer elected for a tight pencil skirt, purple shirt with padded shoulders like a pro footballer and aggressively blushed cheeks.

Lisbon was as Carol had left her, which drew a low chuckle from Kim. Jane was hunched miserably in a disposable raincoat. Kim raised an eyebrow in challenge causing Jane to discard the garment with a flourish. At bottom, Jane would always be a showman. Kim's eyebrows shot up. After a considered and overlong appraisal, she gave a grudging nod of approval. There was a squeal of brakes and the honking of horns behind them as a female driver nearly ran up the curb while trying to get a better good look.

Trying to get the evening back on track, Lisbon got down to business. "Where's Wylie?"

Cho crossed his arms. There were several women walking conspicuously slowly past their little gathering and he wanted out of the public eye as soon as possible. "He said he'd meet us inside, he already knows the brief."

Kim took command. "Let's go in but remember, blend in at all costs or our cover is blown."

The team split up and did their best to mingle but without great success. They might look the part but they didn't know the scene and their awkwardness told.

Seeing Jane accosted by a statuesque blonde in a spray on dress, Lisbon hurried over proprietorially. As she got closer, Jane's new friend turned and waved at her excitedly. "What d'ya think Lisbon? Fischer chose this for me. Personally I wasn't so sure about the leopard print _."_

"Give us a twirl Wylie." Jane said encouragingly, chuckling at the look of horror that engulfed Lisbon.

Wylie's cherubic looks had been transformed to make him look like a cross between an albino drag queen and Lady Gaga - he teetered uncertainly on his killer heels.

"Very nice." Lisbon muttered, wondering what the hell Wylie had done to upset Fischer.

Jane's amusement was short lived when a large hairy man gave him a resounding smack on his exposed buttock as he walked past.

Not normally a violent man, Jane had to be restrained from going after the grabby Hells Angel. Lisbon steered them into a nearby booth. Jane sighed in relief as the cool leather soothed his offended cheek.

"I'm too old for this." Lisbon muttered, wondering why the hell they always landed these gigs.

"Tell me about it." Jane whined, feeling his nether regions tenderly. "My ass'll be black and blue tomorrow."

A sardonic smile crossed Lisbon's lips. Those chaps were the gift that kept on giving. Even before the final indignity, she'd seen him flinch numerous times as passers by checked his peaches for ripeness. God knew she'd been tempted to cop a feel.

"It's not safe to go back out there, I think I'll orchestrate events from here." Jane looked up just in time to acknowledge the drink sent over by a lantern jawed hunk. At this rate Jane could open his own bar; the drinks were stacking up nicely.

"At least you're not having to deal with every S&M freak." Lisbon grumbled; she hadn't been short of offers herself.

A babble of voices heralded the arrival of a new party; the husky voice of their leader was unmistakable. "Why girls look who we've found here, the delectable Patrick Jane, and if I'm not mistaken, the decidedly limber Agent Lisbon." Glenda called the rest of the troupe over. "Nice outfit." Glenda eyed Lisbon approvingly before settling her eyes on Jane. Fanning herself as if about to swoon. "Oh my, he stops my heart every time."

"Sssh we're undercover." Lisbon hissed.

Jane immediately saw the possibilities. "Hey Glenda, you owe us one. How about helping us out, we're not exactly in with this scene." Anything was better than braving the dance floor again.

"Why Patrick sweetheart, anything for you." Glenda listened as Jane and Lisbon outlined the task. Glenda marshalled the girls, leaving a few of the burlier ladies to form a praetorian guard around Jane, sending out the signal that people could look, but there were no free samples.

Like a giraffe drunk on fermented fruit, Wylie was tottering about the nightclub with his head in the clouds. Already a formidably tall man, the addition of four inch heels saw him in danger of getting altitude sickness. While the leopard print was a trifle _vulgaire_ the tightly coiffed natural blonde curls, guileless demeanour and legs that literally went on forever appealed to a certain jaded mindset.

Wylie's infrequent sojourns to popular nightspots in Austin invariably saw him gravitate against a wall from where he watched the female population pay him no regard whatsoever as they danced the night away.

At the Shangri La it was a different story. Wherever he turned (usually accompanied by a lurch as he tripped over his heels) there was a steadying hand to keep him on his feet. Everyone was interested to know his name and whether he lived nearby. Someone even bought him a drink! Examining the tall glass he wasn't sure what to make of the layers of luridly coloured liquid but he had no doubt it was expensive. And it had a tiny little miniature umbrella that actually opened and closed!

One thing was for sure. No matter how this operation turned out, Wylie was definitely coming back.

Kim leant against the bar and fumed. She'd just received her third compliment on how feminine she looked and the realisation dawned she'd been taken for a transvestite. She glared at her shoulder pads. Honestly, she just been following the book's advice _"Go big and go home with the big one"_. Worse, her attempts at finding potential rent boys had fizzled out to nothing. Clearly no-one thought she was the right market. There was nothing for it but to see if the others had more luck.

Spying Jane's blond curls she made her way over to his booth, only to be brought up short by two hefty transvestites.

"Where do you think you're going?" The towering blond with the huge Adam's apple said with an authoritarian lisp.

Kim reared up to her full height. "Who's asking?"

The blonde mountain was unimpressed. "Ivory Towers, that's who. Now run along and leave dear Patrick alone. He's had quite enough _man_ handling from the likes of you!"

Kim lost it. "For Christ's sake I'm special agent Kim Fischer and I need to speak with my consultant!"

The other crossdresser stepped forward. "Sure you are honey, and my name really is Ivana Goodtime. Scram Tootsie."

"Fine, let's do it the hard way!" Kim snapped. A series of eye popping contortions produced her FBI laminate which was waved under the drag security's noses.

"Damn!" Ivory Towers whistled. "That girl could wrassle a python with those thighs…"

Ivana Goodtime could only agree. "I knew she was packing _something_ down there."

Giving the two the fish eye, Fischer slid gracelessly besides Jane to get the latest update.

* * *

With Glenda and her cohort on-board, it largely became a problem of logistics as to how to update each other on progress. Rather than route everything through Jane's command centre where, judging by the increasing number of drinks he was already commanding enough attention, the dance floor became the de-briefing centre.

Lisbon was taking a breather at Jane's table when Glenda bore down on her with a rose clenched between her teeth. As Lisbon clomped after her graceful companion she took a moment to reflect on just how bizarre life had turned. She was living with Jane, but sleeping with Carol, dressed very butch and following a man to the dance floor, who wore heels with a panache she would never achieve.

Who was expected to lead in this scenario? She wondered frantically. Her few high school dance classes (wasted at the time thanks to Woody Squire) felt a long way away. She wondered what Sister Agnes would say if she saw how her star pupil was putting her lessons to use.

All scattered thoughts ended when the sound system blasted out the opening chords to the El Bimbo Tango. A rose stem was thrust between her teeth and she was bent over backwards and skilfully pushed through the crowd. Glenda might be a lady but she packed the punch of a linebacker and had no problems manoeuvring Lisbon around.

A set of luscious scarlet lips came to rest against Lisbon's ear. "The girls have found a few likely types who could be the honey traps for the operation. I've got them sharing some 'girl talk', see if any of them is ready to spill."

Lisbon was raised upright and took the opportunity to transfer the rose. "I hope they know what they're doing"

A series of whiplash head turns left Lisbon with a crick in her neck and the rose in her mouth.

"Don't worry honey. In our line of work you have to get very good reading the intentions of men."

Glenda paced forward, forcing Lisbon to retreat. They came chest to chest (more like chest to belly) and in the blink of an eye the rose was clamped between Glenda's strong teeth.

Lisbon still wasn't convinced. "What if they don't want to talk?" She looked to her companion only to realise the rose prevented a reply. With a weary sigh she obediently popped her mouth open to receive the increasingly chewed and sodden stem.

A chuckle rumbled from her partner's chest. "Oh my girls are just laying the groundwork, so to speak. Once our suspects are primed I'll swoop in for the kill. Believe me honey, when Glenda gets her hand on a man, he always spills."

Lisbon swallowed heavily. Despite appearances there was a lot to be said for being swept around the dance floor by a strong set of male arms. All sorts of strange possibilities passed fleetingly through her mind.

Almost as if to belay the thought Glenda changed tack. "A little bird tells me you've started playing for the other team?"

Tiring of the game Lisbon spat out the rose. A sense of loyalty to Carol prevented her from denying the insinuation. "She's very good to me. I can't say I ever imagined a possibility like that but it just felt right."

"Hmm, an enlightened view I wish more people shared." Glenda glanced at Jane's booth and saw him down a drink in one swallow as he watched them dance. There was no question his gaze was fixed on the pert little Goth in the drag queen's arms. "What does Jane think?"

Uncomfortable with the road the conversation was taking Lisbon looked to disengage. "Jane's fine with it. Why wouldn't he be?" She pressed a cheeky kiss to the back of Glenda's hand. "Thanks for the dance." A wicked thought stirred her. "You can give the next update to Agent Cho."

Glenda watched Lisbon stomp back to her booth. Jane had rebuilt his mask and was watching the room with detached interest. On seeing Glenda he flashed a warm smile. Still, the drag queen had been round the block a few times and wasn't so easily convinced.

* * *

Making the most of his safe haven, Jane had been steadily working his way through his drinks until a happy buzz set in. The jangling of approaching chains alerted Jane to pretend to be working. Grabbing one of his shots, Lisbon knocked it back in one. "Jeez, I've lost Cho now. Where the hell is everyone?"

The agent in question was slow dancing with Cher Noble, a member of Glenda's troupe who was giving him an update. Much like everything he did, the agent's dancing could be described as cool, competent and with a minimum of emotion. He steered his partner expertly through the gyrating throng, posture rigidly erect and hands placed in perfect position against hip and lower back, fingers pressed seamlessly together.

Cher fluttered her eyelids as she gazed adoringly at her handler. "I like a man who knows how to lead."

"What's the update." Discussing dancing preferences with a transvestite was not a conversation Cho was prepared to have.

His partner made a moue of disappointment. "Ok fine. Glenda's got one of the rent boys to spill. They're in the powder room."

Cho considered for a second. "OK. I'll see if we can get Jane to help out."

Cher paused briefly, throwing the agent out of step. "I don't think that's a good idea. We don't want to spook the boy. When Glenda's got what you need she'll go direct to Jane."

Cho nodded. "Understood." He looked to move away but was brought up short when Cher Noble didn't let go of him.

"What's the hurry," she breathed.

While Cho's expression didn't change his discomfort was palpable. "I don't like dancing."

"Sure you do. Let's just finish this number. Go on, dip me.

"No."

Using a move he'd learnt in the Rangers Cho disengaged and was heading for the edge of the dance floor when the track changed. After a two second electronic intro the song opened with a siren call no man of Korean heritage could ignore.

 _OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!_

Almost against his will Cho found himself in the middle of the dance floor. Whipping out his mirror shades, he got into the groove and immaculately 'rode the pony' as if he were the incarnation of PSY. Cher Noble could only gape in surprise. While Cho was competent at the slow dance, he could cut some serious moves to a modern beat.

Before long he was flanked on either side by a line of drag queens giving it their all while the club went berserk. Jane and Lisbon watched in awe as Cho galloped left and right without breaking rhythm or even a sweat. His backup dancers copied him as best they could, though the vigorous riding motion caused various bits of anatomy to jiggle that put serious lie to their advertised gender.

Jane clunked a nameless cocktail against Lisbon's domestic beer. "Cho and his bro's eh Lisbon?"

Teresa snorted in appreciation. "I wish Rigsby could see this, it would make his year."

Glenda's unsubtle interrogation of the rent boy soon revealed the lynchpin of the operation and she updated Jane and Lisbon directly. Spotting the suspect about to leave, Lisbon searched for team. Seeing Wylie mince across the dance floor cocktail in hand, it was obvious he wasn't going anywhere fast in that dress, and darn it if Cho hadn't progressed to throwing some moves to Tainted Love. Was this really the time to audition for dancing with the stars? A glance in the other direction revealed a couple of powerfully built women in comfortable shoes ejecting a furiously protesting Kim Fischer from the ladies bathroom.

With a disparaging look at Jane, who would be no help even if sober, Lisbon realised she was going to have to do this herself. Like a miniature Terminator, she cornered her suspect before he reached the exit. Tugging a firearm from her ankle holster she shouted "FBI. Put your hands in the airaaahh..."

The short chains on the cuff of her jacket had snagged on something. Lisbon was left hopping helplessly as she tried to free her arm from her boot. Who the hell thought this costume was a good idea?

A slow smile crossed the suspect's face, as his fortune turned. He'd kill the bitch and move onto greener pastures.

With a sense of dread Lisbon looked down the barrel of the very large gun now pointed at her, wondering at the injustice of being shot by a weapon decorated with bright rainbows and a sparkling unicorn. The new life she'd embraced was going to be the death of her.

Lisbon watched the trigger finger tighten, only to be reprieved by a stranger who appeared from nowhere, and cracked a bottle over the suspect's head. He folded like a cheap deck of cards.

Lisbon looked up with relief to see Archie Bloom; he'd blossomed from a winsome young thing into a fine specimen of a man albeit currently in an eye bending Geoffrey Mac number.

"I think we're even now Agent Lisbon." Archie said softly, he had indeed paid his debt in full.

Glenda breezed in like a mother hen to collect Archie. "I'm sure you'll understand why we won't be hanging around." She flashed a quick look in Archie's direction. Lisbon nodded understandingly. It wouldn't do for anyone to ask too many questions; they were all complicit in that cover up.

Glenda sashayed away taking one last mischievous look at Lisbon. "Say goodbye to Patrick, and when he comes round just tell him he wasn't dreaming."

When Lisbon finally got back to Jane, she found him passed out in the booth and plastered in lipstick kisses of every conceivable shade of pink. The troupe had taken a down payment before they left. Given he'd been less than helpful on the case, Lisbon didn't feel at all sympathetic. She pulled out her phone and captured the evidence on his posterior for posterity. It might be useful next time he played up (or she got bored).

The takedown was over and the nightclub largely cleared. Wylie and Cho were sprawled carelessly against the back wall of the dance floor. The younger agent was at his ease, legs spread carelessly and dress hiked halfway up his waist. After the heat of the action the cool breeze it facilitated was refreshing.

Kim walked by and on catching sight of what was on display, did a double take and tripped over her heels, catching the edge of a cocktail table on the way down. A half dozen empty and half empty glasses rained on her head to complete an absolutely hellish night.

Wylie didn't even notice. "This was such an awesome place! I met a bunch of killer girls who gave me all sorts of fashion tips. One of them even told me to see Glenda if I wanted to join the show!"

Cho looked upwards for inspiration. He'd gotten plenty of offers as well after his Gangnam Style exploits, the only difference being he didn't have any illusions about the gender of his admirers and the nature of their interest. He wondered if even Rigsby could ever have been this clueless. Looking across at his guileless companion he wondered how to let him down easily. "Those chicks were dudes."

Wylie's head jerked in surprise. "No way! Plenty of women go to these sorts of clubs, for the music. They were the real deal, I could tell." He started digging through his silver clutch to find his phone. "Look at all the numbers I got. There's Wilma Fingerdu, Anita Bump, Sue De Nim, Latrine Kleen…" He frowned. "They do look kinda funny when you see them written down."

He brightened again after a moment's reflection. "One of them even downloaded this app up on my phone so we could stay in touch. I think it was called Grindr…" Mistaking Cho's sour look for jealously Wylie's voice turned conciliatory. "With all these numbers there's plenty to go around. We could double date!"

Jane and Lisbon were curiously uneasy with each other on the cab ride home. The journey passed largely in silence as each looked out of the window deep in thought. When their legs accidentally touched after a tight corner they both jumped nervously, as if struck by a bolt of electricity. Though hyper aware of each other's presence, they resolutely tried to ignore it.

Lisbon's mind was awash with conflicting emotions which only intensified when she saw Carol's apprehensive face waiting to greet them. What she had with her lover was real but there was no denying her latent feelings for Jane or the fact her body still responded to the touch of a man. Not one for introspection, she whisked Carol away, and proceeded to ravish her, as much for soothing her troubled mind as for partner's pleasure.

Felix followed Jane to the kitchen, both seemed slightly put out. "Hey Felix, how about some milk, we're definitely not needed in there…"


	5. Chapter 5 : Oops I did it again

**Chapter 5 - Oops I did it again**

A/N Just a quick word of thanks to everyone who has followed us on this somewhat unconventional but affectionate take on our favourite characters.

* * *

Over time Carol, Lisbon and Jane settled ever more comfortably into their arrangement. While they all had their quirks, they were each in their own way heavily invested in making the unusual relationship work. Jane's presence grounded Lisbon's normally flighty attitude to personal relationships. Carol's place in Lisbon's life ensured Jane didn't have to extend himself beyond his comfort zone and Lisbon's presence in Jane's life gave him a happiness he'd never dared hope to experience again.

Subconsciously Lisbon thrived on the attention. After a lifetime of being the caretaker, responsible adult and consultant apologist, life had started to adjust the karmic imbalance. Her pleasant home and work life rejuvenated her outlook, wiped away her veneer of police cynicism and even wound back the influence of father time. Her manner was more open, her figure a touch more rounded and the men of the Austin office couldn't help to notice.

It was enough to send Fisher scrounging after a more compelling series of books on being found attractive to the male psyche. Jane observed it all with glee; he had no intention of assuring Fischer the men were barking up the wrong tree, even if Lisbon's privacy wasn't paramount.

Unfortunately, it wasn't just his colleagues who saw the lovely Lisbon with fresh eyes. After a decade of quiescence Jane was experiencing a few subtle stirrings himself. The first time was innocent enough. Jane and Felix were relaxing on the couch when Carol and Lisbon breezed through on their way out for a jog. Lisbon had bent over to adjust a shoe causing Jane's eyebrows to raise in time with the short shorts sliding up her thighs.

Jane's enjoyment of the spectacle was spoilt when Felix suddenly dug his claws in. The subsequent yelp and spilt cup of tea that scalded the tip of Felix's tail served to shatter the moment. After soothing their inept males Carol and Lisbon proceeded with their run, oblivious to the cause of the ruckus.

Felix was not quite so sanguine and he narrowed his eyes at Jane before stalking from the room. Jane narrowed his eyes back when the feline was safely out of sight.

It signalled a shift in the relations between man and cat. Felix had previously seen Jane as no threat to his alpha status and so had tolerated him with amused condescension. Now that his animal senses picked up on a possibility of a rival for Lisbon's affection he was ready to fight to stay king of the heap.

Not ready to throw the cat amongst the pigeons, so to speak, Jane leaned more heavily on his biofeedback skills to stop the issue from coming to a head. He was never more grateful of his mentalist skills because Felix often treated him as a human cushion and the moment he showed too much interest in Lisbon a wicked claw would pierce his pants. This would be followed by a hiss and a stiff legged walk from the room.

Tiring of the mistreatment, Jane tried to assert his authority. Secret trysts in the kitchen where Jane hissed veiled threats about trips to the vet did nothing to help matters, in the end Jane resorted to the tried and trusted method of feline control, treats. Unusually it seemed like Felix was Top Cat to Jane's Officer Dibble; the master manipulator was being played like a cheap violin.

* * *

Domestic duties were evenly shared, each taking their turn in the kitchen. It hadn't escaped Jane's notice that Carol's culinary contributions were getting increasingly health conscious and decidedly less satisfying as the weeks went on. It was quite unwarranted as both women were in great shape, and at Jane's age it wasn't unreasonable to sport a small set of love handles.

On closer inspection Jane noticed that the perfectly arranged kitchen cupboards now contained a preponderance of food supplements and minerals, in preference to the comfort foods beloved by Lisbon. It was all rather curious….

Lisbon too was growing suspicious but in her case she wasn't kept in suspense for long. One night she was lying spent, side by side in bed when Carol sighed theatrically and buried her face in the pillow. Ever practical, Lisbon searched for where her sleep clothes had been kicked to the bottom of the bed. If she was going to have a deep and meaningful, at least she wasn't going to be bare arsed naked.

Worrying at her lip she tentatively touched Carol on the shoulder. As if waiting for the slightest signal, the younger woman uncoiled like a spring and flipped over to face Lisbon. Two soulful blue eyes gazed imploring at her.

"Am I starting to look old?"

Lisbon's head jerked back in surprise. The Chicago accent was thick in her denial. "Naww! What are you talking about, you look amazing." There was a touch of ruefulness in Lisbon's tone. Carol was a decade younger and it would have taken a true saint not to feel a touch of envy when living in close proximity to someone still blessed with a youthful figure and a tummy so flat you could eat off it like a table.

Carol sniffed, unconvinced. "I'm old", she said with uncharacteristic insensitivity. "I'll be turning 33 next year and I feel like my clock is about to run down. Hugging herself tightly she stared straight ahead as she made her confession. "Teresa, I want a child."

Lisbon's breath caught in her throat. She knew that tone, that special quality of yearning. Not from herself, maybe, but certainly from women friends in the Sacramento and San Francisco law enforcement communities. It was a tone that conveyed fear that for all the satisfaction of doing a job that truly mattered, perhaps there was something equally important they were missing out on.

Lisbon's knees slid up to her chest and were enfolded by her arms. She'd made her peace with the lack of a conventional life a long time ago. She had a plethora of nieces and nephews and every likelihood of more to come.

If she ever patched things up with her brothers she could be swimming in children. That wasn't to say even she didn't feel the occasional pang, especially when wondering what sort of children a certain blond haired consultant might have sired...

Lisbon snapped out of her reverie to see Carol looking at her expectantly. The older woman nodded quietly. She didn't want her lover to ever have to wonder what might have been. Decision made she forced a smile. "You deserve a child, we deserve a child," she hastily amended when she saw Carol about to raise an objection. "You're going to be a terrific mother, I just know..."

She was cut off mid sentence by a whoop, a holler and a bone crushing hug that left her seeing stars. Well at least that question was settled.

Having secured an in-principal agreement Carol raised the ante with her culinary quest for achieving perfect bodily health. Matters finally came to a head when Carol's latest offering came in a glass with a tasteful garnish. Despite her assurances that it was a balanced meal, it was hardly what they wanted after a day at work. Making the excuse of wanting to watch something on the TV, Jane took one sip of the noxious gloop before feeding the bulk of it to the hardy Snake plant, which somehow thrived despite Lisbon's lack of care.

Creeping to the kitchen when he thought everyone was asleep, a tell tale light revealed Lisbon frantically searching the fridge. Jumping back guiltily at the sound of approaching footsteps, Lisbon looked relieved to see it was Jane approaching. They ransacked the fridge like marauding jackals scavenging the last bit of goodness from an empty carcass. "Lisbon, where's all the food gone?"Jane whined.

"She's detoxing, preparing." Lisbon murmured evasively.

"Preparing for what?" There would be nothing left of Carol on this diet.

Feeling Jane's inquisitive eyes, Lisbon whispered. "Motherhood."

"Motherhood?" Jane hissed, not sure he'd heard correctly.

A slow nod of Lisbon's head confirmed matters.

Jane frowned, seriously doubting the wisdom of this. while there was no doubting Carol was smitten, he seriously doubted Lisbon's commitment to the relationship.

With their heads still buried in the fridge, Jane whispered. "Has she thought this through? It's an impersonal and emotionally bruising business." It could be a heartbreaking as well, and Carol was emotional at the best of times.

Weighing Jane up before she answered, Lisbon considered her words carefully. "She's bought a DIY kit off EBay."

Jane started laughing. "Seriously Lisbon, you must be joking." A shake of the head confirmed she was deadly serious. "It's not as easy as you think and she's got to find a donor."

Lisbon regarded Jane with an unfathomable expression. He couldn't be precisely sure but there was a sense of ruefulness or irony with a top note of wistful regret. It looked like she was waiting for him and he only comprehended her meaning when she quirked a suggestive eyebrow.

Jane's head cracked against the overhead shelf as he pulled up sharply. "No! Absolutely not!" He hissed emphatically. He shot her a look of betrayal. "I'm surprised you would ask that of me."

Lisbon's expression was hard to read. "It's Carol asking, not me. You're a better man than you let yourself believe. How could she not consider you?"

Rather than push him further she walked away, leaving Jane to ponder that thought. Good luck to him if he could say no to Carol's imploring eyes. Lisbon had already gone through all the arguments to no avail.

Sleep eluded Jane that night. Was it truly only Carol asking or was it Lisbon as well? That ship might have sailed for his dear friend but did he have it within himself to deny her a chance at a family. More concerning, was the prospect of him being the father a boon or a curse?

One thing was certain, he wasn't a fire and forget type of guy. If the child was his the sense of responsibility would remain for the rest of his life. Was he fit to be a father again given his appalling record? As he pondered the question and the possibilities, his only comfort was that two such remarkable women as Lisbon and Carol were twice as likely to compensate for his shortfalls.

Perhaps sensing Jane's disquiet, Carol didn't broach the subject of his genes being donated to the cause. Instead she subscribed to various donor sites and began an intensive period of research to find the best possible donor.

She determinedly roped Lisbon into the screening process though names of the website weren't conducive to a serious assessment of the potential donors. Names such as _Seed of Hope_ , _Fertile Fellas_ and _Erectoplasm_ provoked guffaws of laughter that took Carol a week to forgive.

It was only delaying the inevitable, however, and when Jane returned from a long walk one night he found the two women alternatively cooing and giggling over various donor candidates.

Despite himself, he ducked over for a peak.

Carol was reading the donor bio out loud.

"Donor 14564: Byron. This tall, elegant English major, spends his free time reading Virginia Woolf and writing poetry. While he admits to being a bit introverted, this scholar could spend hours talking about any range of topics from film to literature. Other hobbies include cooking, nature walks,-/"

"... and jerking off into plastic cups!" Lisbon interjected with a snicker. Her tough Chicago upbringing struggled with the flowery profiles of the potential donors.

The punch to the ribs that she got from Carol was offset by the discrete fist bump she shared with Jane. At least someone appreciated her sense of humour.

The moment was definitely spoiled for donor 14564. Carol moved onto the next contender.

"Donor 32169: Lance. A tall, chiselled world traveller this donor once spent a month solo exploring China, and credits that experience with helping him gain a deeper cultural understanding of the world we live in. His communion with nature has let him empathise with all creatures and he looks forward to help women take part in the great cycle of life. A renaissance man, he's currently building a monster truck at his local garage."

Lisbon looked at the picture musingly. "He's cute."

Jane couldn't hold back any longer. "Cute but narcissistic. All that baloney about 'world harmony' and he's into monster trucks? It's a good thing I'm here to help you ladies read between the lines."

Lisbon and Carol exchanged sceptical looks but decided to indulge the wounded male ego. Dozens of candidates from various sites were assessed and then dismissed due to character flaws like 'vain milquetoast', 'sociopathic' or 'hairy knuckles'.

Once amusement turned to exasperation Lisbon called Jane out. "Are you seriously trying to tell us that there is something wrong with every single sperm donor?"

He refused to back down. "Fundamentally? Yes. You have to ask yourselves what sort of man would anonymously donate sperm?"

Carol took up the argument. "Because they want to help women like me! Maybe because they like the idea that some part of them will be passed onto another generation."

"But they have no involvement in the child!" Jane exclaimed. "Don't you think it's a little cold that they give life and then have nothing to do with it?"

Carol could be as stubborn as Jane. "Maybe they want to be fathers but recognise they lack the maturity to be a positive influence? Isn't that better they do something to help rather than nothing?"

Jane pretended to ponder this for a second, then dropped his clincher. "Could you just give up an egg if the situation was reversed? Could you go through life ignoring you had a child?"

Carol opened her mouth to respond, then hesitated. "I couldn't do that," she admitted.

Jane turned his gaze to Lisbon. She didn't hesitate. "Me neither."

"See," Jane concluded triumphantly. "I feel the same. If I fathered a child I'd do everything I could to protect them and give them the best life possible. How could I not? It's the greatest responsibility in the world."

Carol sighed dejectedly. "So I need to find a real person to be a donor. Someone who actually cares and will want time with our child." She hugged Lisbon close, seeking comfort.

Oblivious to his impending peril, Jane nodded encouragingly. "That's right. Someone you know with the qualities you'd want in a child. That would really cut down on the risk."

Carol gathered her courage. "I do know someone who would be suitable. You would. Will you please help us Patrick?"

Jane stared at her in dismay. He's walked into that one like a complete mark. He's assumed his refrigerator conversation with Lisbon had put paid to that notion. Hearing the request from Carol's lips made it suddenly, terrifyingly real.

He breathed heavily, trying to reign in his rising panic. "I don't exactly have a good track record as a father. I think you should set your sights higher."

Carol looked like she would let it go but Lisbon piped up unexpectedly. "Oh cut the crap, Jane. You'd make a wonderful father. It's time you stopped beating yourself up about something that wasn't your fault to begin with. Of all the men I know, you are the bravest and the best when it counts."

Taken aback by the warmth of the compliments, Jane dashed a hint of moisture from his eye. He tried to rebut Lisbon, but was lost for words. It was too much, too soon. He couldn't breathe. The belief he saw in Lisbon's eyes was almost as hard to take as the rising hope in Carol's. He needed space to think things over. It wasn't fair they were putting him in this position.

"I'll be in my room," he said abruptly before stomping off. The effect was spoiled when a Felix shaped streak of fur rushed up, bit him in the ankle and streaked away again. Jane's yelp of surprise broke the tension and provoked nervous laughter from the girls.

The laughter quickly died and Carol stared anxiously at Lisbon. The older woman looked in the direction of Jane's room for a long moment before giving Carol a reassuring nod. The squeal and bone-crushing hug that followed should have been predictable and as Lisbon wheezed for breath she wondered why she felt so conflicted about Jane's inevitable capitulation.

In the kitchen Felix was positively morose. While he'd gotten in one last strike, deep within his feline heart he knew the tide had turned. Jane was set to assume alpha status and unless he kept a low profile an unpleasant visit to the vet was on the cards...

While nothing was settled, Carol planned her strategy with military precision. An analyst by profession, she could whip up a chart for anything at a moment's notice. The walls were festooned with spreadsheets and charts, apparently there was no such a thing as too much information. The atmosphere became tense as Carol worked her teary baby blues on Jane. Begrudgingly he gave into the inevitable. "Once, just once."

Lisbon's amused eyes followed him as he retreated to the safety of his room, knowing once he'd given Carol an inch she'd take a mile.

As the meals become increasingly healthier, Jane decided to take pre-emptive action. Hell Lisbon was grumpy enough at the best of times, deprived of food she made his life a downright misery, besides in the maelstrom of hormones there was more than enough tension around at the moment.

Quickly texting Cho, Jane arranged for them to be called out to an emergency. With his car keys at the ready just waiting for the call, they dashed out making their apologies to Carol on the run. "I'm driving." Jane shouted. Speed was of the essence. Before long they were tucking into a tasty burger. "Ummm feel that grease line your arteries." Jane sighed with contentment as he attacked the reconstituted meat. Lisbon whimpered orgasmically as the ketchup oozed from the sides of her burger. They wasted no time on talk as they savoured their guilty pleasure.

Jane recalled the conversation with Bosco where the older agent had compared eating a dog and kraut with infidelity. He could suddenly see his point.

An unfortunate pattern emerged of being called out at mealtimes, a sudden spike in crime by all accounts. Carol fussed incessantly about the dangers of the job, mistaking the red stains on Lisbon's blouse for blood. Jane's eyes twinkled with amusement as Lisbon guiltily brushed off Carol's concerns.

* * *

Engrossed in a tale of doomed love, Jane became aware of a shadow cast over the page of his novel. Lisbon stood expectantly in front of him, an empty cup in her hand. Recoiling theatrically, Jane spluttered. "You're joking. I'm just getting to the good bit. Surely it can wait." The next millennia seemed like a good time to Jane.

"Apparently not." Lisbon commented drily, refusing to budge. According to the algorithm the planets were in alignment. She plucked the book from his hand and handed him the cup. No huffing or plaintive face pulling had any effect on Lisbon; she just jerked her head in the direction of the bathroom, a guilty cast to her features. This was embarrassing enough without Jane making a production of it.

Defeated, Jane schlepped his way into the bathroom. Lisbon hovered uncertainly outside. What did one do in situations such as this? Was putting on some light jazz appropriate? Did she have time to make herself a cup of coffee? Time dragged on interminably. Losing patience, she knocked on the door.

"What's going on in there?"

The door opened and a shamefaced Jane looked at her dejectedly. "No dice, Lisbon. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

Glancing in the direction of the master bedroom where the mother to be was waiting expectantly, Lisbon hissed at her friend. "What's the holdup?" She made a vague jerking motion with her wrist. "You guys do this all the time! Don't tell me you don't" - she'd raised three teenage boys and knew more than she'd ever wanted to about the subject.

Jane drew back haughtily. "In case you never noticed, I'm not _most guys_." The effect of his air quotes was spoilt by the cup held awkwardly in one hand. Seeing the frustration build in Lisbon's eyes he hastily tried to find a solution. "Maybe if you got me some, ah, inspirational material?"

Lisbon was about to launch into a tirade when a querulous Carol asked for an update. "I just need to get some supplies!" she called back. "Why don't you watch another episode of West Wing while you wait?"

As Carol gave the affirmative Lisbon glared daggers at Jane. "Just so we're clear, I'm doing this for Carol, and if you don't put out after all the trouble I'm going to, I'm going to extract that sample myself!"

The starred at each other heatedly for a second, then mutually averted their eyes. "Thanks Lisbon," Jane said as he stared at the tiles at his feet.

Lisbon glanced guiltily in Carol's direction. "Don't go anywhere," she said in a slightly mollified tone.

Wearing a large hat and oversized sunglasses, Lisbon sidled up to the seedy newsstand. A first pass gave her a rough idea of the layout, on the second pass she eyed up the section catering to the raincoat brigade. Realising that she was starting to look a bit suspicious, she advanced closer and pulled out a copy of Cosmopolitan as an decoy, allowing a closer inspection of the top shelf magazines.

Two old ladies came up to the stand, loudly wondering if the latest copy of Vogue Knitting International had arrived. Lisbon guiltily flicked past the _10 ways to get your man in the mood_ article she'd been perusing, strictly in the interest of scientific research.

She was interrupted by the news seller's cough. "If you want a free read lady, the library's down the road."

Lisbon replaced the magazine as the old dears finally completed their purchase and moved on. Lifting her eyes upwards she got a good look at the pages of sin. The glossy pictures of impossibly pneumatic specimens loomed intimidatingly above her; they were placed so high up it wasn't just their breasts that were defying gravity. Even with her recently changed outlook she failed to see the appeal.

Lisbon teetered on her toes as she stretched up to reach the first magazine, uncomfortably aware of the vendor's suspicious eyes following her every move. Darn it they were just out of reach. She hopped up to grab a few magazines and ended up knocking them all on the floor. Utterly mortified she fell to her knees in her haste to pick up the incriminating mess. Her hat was knocked askew and her glasses slipped down her nose. Through her embarrassment she sensed a stranger bend down to help. Lisbon looked up to meet his eye. Oh sheep-dip it was Father Reilly!

"Teresa?" Father Reilly performed a quick double take between the front covers and Lisbon's guilty face. Thinking quickly, she muttered "Sssh, I'm working undercover." She looked round conspiratorially before catching sight of the pack of cigarettes in his hand; she was sure he'd packed up smoking for Lent.

Catching the direction of her gaze, it was Father Reilly's turn to be caught out. "We all have our weaknesses."He admitted shamefacedly. "It's a long time since we've seen you in confession; perhaps it's time to have a talk?"

 _Hell and damnation_! Lisbon felt completely transparent when his eyes searched hers. "Yes Father" She muttered as she hurriedly grabbed the magazines without looking at them, and threw some notes at the news seller.

Oh crap! How was she going to get out of that? The last time she'd been to confession was at the height of the Pike debacle. That was going to be peanuts compared to what was now on her chest. Buying girly mags so her platonic friend could produce a sperm sample for her clucky lady lover was a confession that might just damage the man's faith.

Returning home Lisbon flung her hat and overcoat onto the couch and stomped over to the bathroom. Her skin was still crawling from the horrors she'd just experienced.

Hearing her footsteps Jane cracked the door open and then recoiled when the glossies were all but shoved in his face. Instead of having the decency to vanish behind the door he began critically leafing through the titles, naming them aloud in the process.

"Juggs… Chunky Asses… Bodacious Tatas ?! Lisbon, your taste in pornography is terrible!"

Perhaps still rattled from her encounter with the good father, Lisbon was uncharacteristically defensive. "Stop whining and get to work! You have _no idea_ what I went through to get those."

Jane opened his mouth to question further when the door was closed in his face. Humphing in irritation Jane started leafing through the first magazine that came to hand. He found the pictures inside as unappealing as Lisbon had and it was all the worse for being painfully aware his dear friend was waiting impatiently outside.

He was flicking through the selection in quiet despair when a title caught his eye: American Philatelist. What was that doing there? He pondered for a second, then grinned. No doubt an illiterate news seller had taken philately for some strange new fetish…

Forgetting about his reason for being in the bathroom Jane started leafing through the pages. A picture caught his eye and he brought the magazine up close to get a better look. Inspiration could strike in the most unusual of places. It was an Audrey Hepburn commemorative series and something about the elfin brunette served as a call to action for Jane's nascent libido.

On the other side of the door Lisbon nearly wore a hole through the carpet with her agitated pacing. She both wanted and didn't want to know what Jane was doing in there. After what seemed like an eternity, the door opened a crack and a hand appeared. Lisbon whisked the offending article away without a word, neither of them wishing to face the other at this juncture.

Jane's work was done but she still had half the job ahead of her. Typical.

Repetitions of the ordeal over the following months allowed the process to be refined. Nevertheless, Jane groaned inwardly each month, when he discovered Carol red eyed in the kitchen bemoaning her barren state.

The summer wore on, Carol was grasping at straws tweaking her spreadsheets adjusting the algorithm, struggling to understand what was going wrong. She tried everything, meditation, yoga, she eyed Jane critically wondering whether he was up to the task. Lisbon looked on sympathetically as Jane muttered about RSI before trudging away cup in hand; it really was getting to be quite wearisome.

As each new cycle failed Carol became more and more obsessed, she resorted to all manner of monitoring systems to ensure that she was in tip top condition when the planets aligned. Her body was a tightly regulated chemical factory, where no input went unmonitored. In her quest for conception everything else was of secondary importance, and that included Lisbon. Although the two women were still as close as ever, and Lisbon continued to give Carol all the support she needed, the first flush of love, or lust at any rate had passed.

Maybe things would return to normal when Carol finally conceived and the rush of hormones restored her libido. Sadly Lisbon had a sneaking suspicion that Carol would be just as obsessive when she was pregnant, and doubted whether things would ever be the same again. She'd never been comfortable asking for things and she certainly wasn't going to pressure the increasingly distraught Carol for some physical comfort.

With a hit of regret Lisbon resigned herself to the new reality. Truth to tell it was very familiar territory, she had no cause to complain, especially as she still got to share her life with two people who meant the world to her.

Jane had started to notice that Lisbon was staying up later at night and had dusted off her old favourites, and would watch Die Hard long after Carol had retired for the evening. It didn't take him long to work out what was going on, not that Lisbon would ever say a word against Carol.

* * *

Perhaps the prospect of being a father again had rekindled something inside Jane, but now that he had accepted the situation he seemed to be curiously at ease with it all, and he took the opportunity to brush up on his parenting skills with the young boy next door.

Once Lisbon was satisfied that the young widow wasn't making a play for Jane, she was more than happy to see Jane bonding with her son. With his mop of floppy hair, young Jack was the cutest kid on the block, and it was great to see a different side to Jane when he let his guard down.

Lisbon could only imagine what he had been like with Charlotte, and what he would be like with his own child. He truly was a transformed character, the years fell off him as he indulged his playful side. She couldn't help but be touched by the thought that he would have a focus to his life, and for his sake as much as Carol's she desperately hoped conception wouldn't take too long.

Delighting Jack with his magic tricks and teaching him some more dubious skills to boot, Jane was in his element. After a spell kicking a ball around the garden, Jane and Jack bounded in, breathless and flushed, in search of refreshments, and the happy pair went hand in hand to the kitchen. The girls smiled indulgently, before exchanging a worried glance when Jane unexpectedly walked past the soda to the freezer.

"Now let's see what we can find to cool us down." Jane's eyes lit up as he spotted the Ben and Jerry's mini cup.

Jack beamed as Jane handed it to him, but in the twinkling of an eye Lisbon had swooped in and snatched the pot, deftly lobbed it behind her back to Carol, who made a one handed catch and hid it under the cushion. Jane shook his head, if it hadn't been for the wailing child holding his hand, he would have seriously thought he'd imagined it. Lisbon and Carol just smiled back innocently. "Out of date, meant to throw it away" Lisbon crinkled her nose, before mollifying Jack with some money to take Uncle Patrick to the local ice cream parlour.

Still not entirely sure what had happened, Jane was aware of someone watching him later that night when he opened the freezer compartment. Seeing the pot back in place, he lifted it up curiously and started to lift the lid.

"You don't want to do that." Lisbon said quietly.

Jane looked up at her questioningly. "Surplus stock." Lisbon raised her eyebrows meaningfully, hoping no further explanation was required. Jane dropped the carton on the bench top in disgust; it was bad enough being harvested without being deep frozen as well.

"You were the one complaining. It made sense to keep a backup. You should be grateful, Carol wanted to use the ice cube tray, at least I talked her out of that one." Lisbon shrugged defiantly.

In truth Jane wasn't having as much performance anxiety of late; once you rubbed the bottle it was hard to put the genie away. Desperate to reassert some boundaries, Jane avoided working too closely with Lisbon.

On noticing Lisbon shooting the occasional hurt glance in his direction, Jane explained his sudden preference for going out with Cho by saying they needed a break from each other occasionally. Fearful of throwing their domestic arrangement out of whack, Jane didn't dare mention the siren call of her body was driving him to distraction.

For much of their friendship he'd been able to maintain an abstract appreciation of Lisbon's looks. He could clinically admire her beauty like he would a fine Vermeer or a sunset. Now when he caught a fleeting glimpse of pale skin, especially when peeking from out of an oversized football jersey, it was enough to have him bite his knuckles in frustration. His biofeedback skills, more mentalist blarney than biological genius, were failing him miserably. Felix wasn't talking to him at all.

* * *

A complicated case found Jane and Lisbon squeezed into a tight alcove where they could unobtrusively stake out the Pink Flamingo. Lisbon was focussed on the job at hand while Jane seemed strangely distracted. Trying to ease a cramp in her thigh, Lisbon shifted backwards and felt something firm press into the small of her back.

With half her mind still calculating entry points and likely security measures, Lisbon tried to work out what was going on. "Did Abbott authorise you to carry a gun?"

Jane desperately choked off a cough. Realisation dawned slowly for Lisbon as the protrusion was apologetically removed. Of course Jane was wasn't carrying a gun. Which meant...

Her head whipped around to regard her partner, the look on Jane's face removed all doubt. A wordless interrogation began and uncharacteristically, it was Jane who broke. "I'm sorry Lisbon, I can't seem to help myself. Ever since I've had to, you know, for Carol, well now the cat's out of the bag and I can't put it back!

Listening to his panicked babbling almost made Lisbon take pity, but she needed to know for sure. "Just to be clear, I'm the one doing this to you, not Carol or any other pretty thing that catches your eye."

Misunderstanding her intention, Jane wilted. "I'm sorry Lisbon it's you. Just you. I know the timing is terrible and this is completely unfair. I'll get over it, just please, please don't ask me to move out."

Lisbon was unable to respond, overcome by Jane's intensity. Her mind flashed back to her shattered hopes on their ill fated weekend away. _Throw him out? Throw him onto the nearest bed, more likely!_

Not daring to meet his gaze, she probed further. "Just supposing that I might feel the same way towards you… Are you saying that if we, oh I don't know; went to the nearest hotel you'd be up for more than a cup of tea and a few hours of watching the Discovery Channel?"

Seeing the lifeline for what it was, Jane threw caution to the winds and brought his lips to her ear. "If you placed yourself alone with me in a hotel room," he murmured, "I don't even have the words for all the wicked things I would do you, Special Agent Teresa Lisbon…"

Oh God! The way he was talking made her feel like she was being made love to already. Turning discretely away, Lisbon made a silent fist pump. Yes!

Whipping out her phone she told Cho they were breaking cover to follow a new lead. It sounded dodgy but she was past caring. There were bells and whistles and flashing neon lights going off in her mind. She was about to have her wicked way with Patrick Jane and he wanted her to!

She finally turned back to her consultant whose blood deprived brain was only just now realising he might be onto a very good thing. She mashed her lips against his before pulling back to admonish him. "Don't talk. Don't think. Don't do anything except come with me." For once in his life Jane played it smart. He nodded enthusiastically.

Lisbon almost yanked his arm out of his socket as she dragged him away.

Many eventful hours later they collapsed bonelessly onto the much abused motel bed. Lisbon waited for her breathing to return to normal. Credit where credit was due, Jane had more than delivered to expectations. The man in question sported the goofy look of someone whose Christmases had come all at once.

Thinking of the time and of Carol waiting at home, Lisbon tried to feel guilty but failed. Their tryst had been nothing short of wonderful. Maybe she and Jane were kidding themselves but it had felt so natural, so right, _so good_ ; right or wrong didn't even come into it. It was meant to be.

"Carol…" They were so in sync, it was unclear which of them had spoken. Jane articulated the truth for both of them. "This doesn't change how we feel about Carol. She's family and we both want what she wants too."

Lisbon breathed out in relief. She placed a gentle hand on Jane's cheek. "We have Carol, but now we have each other too."

A double life ensued, domestic harmony at home with Carol and passionate encounters in various locations around Austin. Jane had even cleared the cobwebs from his Airstream. Everyone was happy, especially Lisbon who was having her cake and eating it too.

The only fly in the ointment was the lack of success in the baby department. At least until the day they were woken by Carol's whoops of joy one Saturday morning. Jane emerged bleary eyed from his room. Against all odds Carol's DIY project had come to fruition. In a frenzy of excitement she tore all her old charts off the wall and began going through her home birthing manuals.

Feeling a bit green about the gills, Lisbon's response was surprisingly muted. Her sudden dash out of the room as Jane cooked breakfast seemed odd.

"Are you OK Lisbon? Tapping gently on the bathroom door, he found Lisbon retching over the pan. Rubbing her stomach, she turned and looked at him. Did she have to spell it out to him?

"No you're - you're kidding me." Jane said in shocked disbelief.

"I'm not kidding," she snarled; she wished she was.

"You are?" He gulped.

"I am." Lisbon rolled her eyes. It was hard to believe he was a mentalist at times.

There was a pregnant pause as they stared at each other in disbelief. It was a fine pickle. What the hell were they going to tell Carol?


End file.
